thank you thank you thank you

so, out of curiousity, I was just reading my post from last year's thanksgiving. All the things I was thankful for. Seeing which ones still held true, and which a year's time had taken away or changed or faded, thinking of new things to add to the list. I'll get to the new things in a minute, but first some comic relief, because we all need that, always. After reading that post, I got into a reminiscing mood and started reading the last few posts before that, and the comments. there was one right before Emma auditions, and I started freaking out about the nature of the kissing in the movie and how I didn't want to see anyone in drama doing that. and you said...



*Heather* said...
I'm vaguely creeped out by the image of anyone in Drama Club "making out." At all. Onstage or off. It just freaks me out. Especially if (and we all know there's a huge chance that he will) Paul gets Mr. Knightley. That would be damaging to my health.



Oh, what a difference a year makes.

Especially this year. It's been my hardest yet. Reading all of those words of mine and yours from 365 days ago is almost surreal. This year has changed me so much. All of the pain, the loss, the confusion. The mess. The nights and weeks and solid months in my memory where all I can recall is crying. That's taken a toll, and it's had an effect on who I am, how I think and act. But certain things are the same. And while sometimes all I can see is darkness in my direct line of vision, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for the tiny pleasures of every day: coffee and nice pens, converse and sweaters and hair that's finally long enough to be pulled into a presentable ponytail. People who make me laugh, intentionally and by accident. I'm thankful for the WHAT. I'm thankful for Mrs. Lawson, how her intimidating fierceness makes me strive to be better, and her faith in my abilities makes me want to live up to her expectations and shine like the silver in the first place plaque that I could have never gotten without her. I'm thankful for Glee. I'm thankful for gorgeous melodies and lyrics that make me feel less alone. I'm thankful for the unlikely source of happiness and distraction that is making me dance around my kitchen like an idiot, singing unabashedly girly Taylor Swift songs about falling in Like at the top of my lungs while I do the dishes (more on this tomorrow).

I'm thankful that I have so many people in my life that love me and care for me. These past few weeks, I've been distracted by the effects of that love that I can't help but resent- the mistrust, the constant demands and requests, the hesitant words and sidelong glances that contain so much worry, so much fear. Today, I realize that I'm so incredibly lucky. I'm thankful that, no matter how much I messed up and hurt the people around me, they didn't move away. I'm thankful because I don't deserve my family, or my friends, or the three of you. But by some miracle, you're still here. I thank God or whatever brought me so much to be thankful for.

I'm thankful, especially, that I'll be seeing Anna and Heather tomorrow.
Love,
Caroline