So tomorrow.
when I wrote on Emily's wall to tell her good luck last week, she responded by saying that she was in such a fragile state that everything made her want to cry, and now I know just what she means. I think I've come close to tears about six times today; sometimes at moments that made sense in their own silly way, like reading Chloe's valentine note, sometimes at points that seemed completely random and wierd and ridiculous.
I'm excited, maybe even more so than I am nervous. I can't wait to see Mamie and Scott and all the amazing creative writers and Anna especially times a hundred. But even though I'm so excited, and I really want to be with everyone who will be there, I wish that my mom had let Heather come with us. And not even just Heather. Everyone. I want Allison there to assure me that it won't make any difference how badly I screw up as long as I look pretty. I want Danielle there to do that hysterical wierd gasping laugh and say something ridiculous like, "your hair is falling out... oh.... you're a great friend". I want Courtney to be around, exuding that confidence she has, not only in herself but in all of us, that I can't help but pick up on. I want Lauren to do what she did when I got out of the car tonight: grab me by the shoulders, shake me, and repeatedly order to me to "do awesome". I want Chloe to be there, know exactly when I need a hug or an arm around my shoulder, I want Jessica to remind me to breathe. And I want you there more than anyone, just to know what I'm thinking, just to understand me the way nobody else ever could. And I don't just want these things tomorrow morning; I want them for the next two years and for the rest of all of our lives.
And I still want to go. I still want to go so badly. I still am not sure what I'll do with myself if I don't get in. I feel like I have one of my feet planted in both places, and like I can't pick up either one.
I also feel like my cheeks are damp and my nose is running and my face is probably really red and blotchy. The tears have actualized themselves at last.
I'm so scared. Scared of not getting in, scared of getting in and having to make a decision.
But like I said at the beginning: I'm excited. I really would like to fast forward the night and be at my masterclass right now, sitting next to Anna, listening to the incredible Mamie Morgan read poetry.
So I think I'll be okay, as long as I listen to Don't Panic frequently enough.
I really miss you, Emilea. Expect at least one phone call and eight hundred texts, Heather. And, Anna, I'll see you tomorrow, and I can't wait.
And I love you all more than I could ever say.
Caroline
it's getting closer now.
2 comments:
I'm not nervous. Yet. Though tomorrow you will find me drunk as a monkey, lying in a dramatic evening gown with a crumpled audition time letter in my hand. I hope you have a tub of cold water to dump me in...or maybe just a hug. Hugs are good.
Your audition is...3:20? Mine's at 2:10, but maybe I can stay with you until you have to go in. I don't know. It depends on how irritable my father is feeling, and how lonely Boy is when he realizes that it's the first Valentine's Day he's been able to spend with someone and she's out of town...we shall see.
Don't worry. Just think about masterclass with MAMIE!
i didn't read the whole post. i don't have time right now. all i know is that you are going to ROCK THIS. you are going to beast it. and in your humility you will feel like you have failed, but in reality you blew everyone out of the water. and it might blind them. in this case, they would not accept you. but in case they have really really strong sun glasses, they will see your brilliance and will accept you because you are brilliant.
got to dash! much love,
emilea
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