Yesterday was weird.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I realize that talking in a movie is rude and shouldn't and usually doesn't happen ("you are terrible!!"), but... that whole outing felt completely wrong. That isn't how things would usually be. Usually we would all talk to each other. Usually we would all greet each other, and say goodbye, at the very least. Usually we would find something to laugh about, even if it was stupid and ridiculous. Usually we'd all walk at the same speed, in that line that takes up half a hallway in the mall and annoys everyone around us. Usually, we'd stay together. We'd look like a gang. We would do something ridiculous. We wouldn't walk outside immediately unless there was a ride waiting for us- we would go to BAM or Claire's, or at least consider sticking around. Seeing a movie is, granted, not the funnest group outing ever, but when has it ever been that bad? And last week at the mall wasn't as bad, but it still wasn't the same.
I expected to cry during My Sister's Keeper, and I did. But here is something I never would have seen myself doing: sitting on the wall of paint samples at Home Depot, hearing Chloe say, "I thought things were going to just go back to normal, but they didn't, and I'm not sure they're going to. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. We were so weird just then... fake friends," and watching teardrops accumulate on a tiny paper sample of Sexy Pink. We just sat there, in Home Depot, surrounded by every color in the world, and discussed the most depressing thing I can possibly think of- the possibility that our friendship is completely falling apart.
In the last three years (we've been friends a lot longer, I know, but I always count eighth grade as the year that we really started), I've been through a lot of really horrible stuff. All of us have. I can't think of anyone of the seven of us who hasn't encountered tremendous pain and drama and heartbreak even this year. But through it all, I have always been able to say that I have the best friends and the best support system possible. You have been the silver lining that was present in every situation. I've been rejected, and scared, and angry, and hurt, and lost. But as long as we've been friends, I have never felt alone. I could write every sad thing that's ever happened to me (I won't, but I could) and not one of those stories would be complete without all of you. I'm not talking about pep talks or brownies or perfect words here. I'm talking about you being there. That's all I ever needed.
I could not cope with losing y'all. I couldn't handle anything if that happened. I don't expect any huge dramatic parting-of-the-ways, but things are not like they used to be. And I just want to know why. I'm so confused. I can't think of anything that could have possibly caused all this weirdness, especially in such a short amount of time. If I was looking at just you and me- which, until yesterday, I was - then at least I know why things aren't normal. I don't exactly understand, but at least there is a reason, something concrete, that I can blame it on. But I have no idea about everything else, unless our weirdness somehow threw off the dynamic of the entire group, which does not seem likely.
Chloe and I tried for hours last night to think of a reason, a trigger, a moment when things changed. We couldn't come up with anything. We have no idea why.
All I know is that I hate it. I hate feeling like we aren't what we used to be. I hate being scared that because I don't have texting right now, none of you are going to bother keeping in touch with me. I hate sitting in my room listening to the mix tape you made me for my birthday and looking at pictures and reading notes and getting teary, like I'm some idiotic movie character who just went through a bad break-up. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares. I hate not being able to say anything because it will only start a fight and make everything a million times worse. I hate crying in Home Depot. They sell hammers and saws at Home Depot. It is not a crying place.
Have you noticed any of this? Maybe I'm overreacting- if I didn't have Chloe to back me up, I would be sure that I was overreacting- but something is wrong. If you have noticed, any suggestions on what we can do to fix it? I'm baffled.
If you haven't noticed... things are worse than I thought.
Caroline
I think I'll name it after all of you.
1 comment:
Things are different. I don't know why. Jess and I talked about it friday night and I just don't understand it. I feel hollow and empty and my room is freaking SPOTLESS! I sat in my room for hours last night just staring. I couldn't make myself do something. Nothing felt right, like it could fill the void. The only thing that occupied my time yesterday (besides continuing to be productive) was reading the Emma script, because it brought me back just months to a time when things weren't weird.
I miss those days and wish we could just go back and figure out where things messed up. I want to play hide and seek in BAM or attempt to sit still on the wii fit (though things were even screwed up then, it was better) or hear someone near us say "those girls look like a gang."
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