sleep with all the lights on

hello hello.

I'm not gonna lie- I am blogging right now because I'm waiting for music to download and facebook is boring.

Okay, I just said I'm not going to lie. So it's not just boring. It's also confusing and weird. I'm talking to Zac. And I don't know why. I mean, technically, it is because he sent me a message regarding my status, asking why I was angry. What I don't know is why I answered it - or, more accurately, why I answered it honestly, instead of throwing out a generic "parents teachers homework" answer, and started an actual conversation. Why? WHY?

All right, a bit more honesty? I might know why. It might be because my self-esteem is about as low as it can possibly get. It might be because I have fallen into the same disgusting, sticky trap that so many teenage girls do- the foolish belief that all of their problems would go away if only a boy would love them (please verify that this is false?). It might be because when you feel repulsive and hideous and all wrong, hearing any guy say that he sees the way you look down when you're walking down the hallway and that you shouldn't, because "no one is better than you" is more flattering than creepy.

Why is that? How come the steadily decreasing number on the scale and the resounding chorus of "you look so skinnysosmallsogreat!" I hear from everyone ranging from Courtney to random old men can't make me feel even a little bit better about myself, but one tiny could-be-flirting encounter with a guy I'm probably not even interested in does?

Gah. Short, stupid post, but that's all I've got energy for now.

Love you all,
Caroline

you're not so happy, you're not secure.