the sounds that goodbyes make

Jessica's gone.

She just called me from the road, and she is an hour and a half away from College. I'm sad. Contrary to my sister's outrageous lies, I did not cry last night, but I did cry in the car-rider line when she drove away after giving me three hugs and taking her post-it goodbye letter. And then I cried in Starbucks when I stopped for a free and delicious water break in the midst of my bike ride. And then I cried after she hung up the phone. et cetera. I'm talking about getting choked up, of course, not hysterically sobbing, but still, I'm sad. It's strange how we've gotten so much closer in a matter of weeks. I'm going to miss her so much and I am sick of hearing my mother say that she's only going to be a few hours away. It's still distressing to think of life without her around at all times. :(

and it doesn't help that she keeps saying that she is more worried about me than anyone else. She won't really explain what she means, it's just, "you're the one I worry about leaving" quite constantly. I've been getting that a lot lately. Too many concerned looks, too many unneccessary condolences and questions like are you okay? and do you mind me bringing that up? and if it makes you feel any better, he's still kind of fat (okay, I did kind of enjoy that one). The phrase "I am fine" is getting so old and it quickly turns into an attitude-filled, "No, really, I'm fine" which makes me feel like a bad person. I'm just worried that I naturally come off as a wounded/angry/screwed-up trainwreck, so even when I am not any of those things (except for maybe screwed-up, but that's old) I give that impression. I don't know. I'll have to work on smiling more, or something.

School is underwhelming. I almost wish I'd signed up for pre-cal because I like my math studies class but it's easy to the point of mind-numbingness, and chemistry is about as much fun as I would expect it to be, and I don't particularly like anything we're singing in chorus, which is a first. Usually there is at least one song that I love, and as of now, my favorite to sing is And So It Goes (Heather hates it, but I think it's kind of pretty or, at any rate, better than anything else), mostly because it is not Sara Barielles, we are capable of singing it, and the arrangement is not ridiculous. Which are good reasons to accept a song, but not good reasons for it to be your favorite. I miss the days of Angel Breathing Out and Your Song. Or anything from Disney. But who needs good chorus music when you have karaoke?

Governor's School felt the need to send me a letter saying that they were now full, which struck me as kind of pointless since school has started and, well, duh. But I guess they don't expect every applicant to have contacts within the establishment. The finality of it was, admittedly, kind of sad.

There's more I'd like to say, but it's dinner time and I have gotten a terrible habit of having coffee, a salad,dinner and nothing else, so needless to say I'm starving.

Love to all,
Caroline

PS:The WHAT is doing a tribute to Chicago for talent show. I am torn between being excited and being terribly confused about how that is allowed and being weirded out by Lauren not objecting to the concept of performing in a leotard and fishnets. What has become of the universe???