She was my best friend, but probably just out of habit.

So begins the essay that I started writing about Courtney a few days ago. It's not so much how I made it sound at lunch- it's not a list of grievences or anything, just kind of a collection of scenes and anecdotes that I think kind of sum up what our friendship is/was/has become. I just noticed when I typed that sentence that the whole thing is in past tense, and that scares me.


I feel so suckish about all of this, especially after what Clarissa said at lunch. Because she's right, of course. We are backstabber-ish. Or I am, at least. And I've been thinking about how I always said that I never wanted to be like this. I always thought that we were so above people like Taylor and Kat and Kendall who pretend to be best friends and then go around ranting about how much they hate each other. But there it is, the second she gets up and leaves the table. And I feel awful about it, but I almost can't help it. Like, she makes me so furious that I find myself ranting out of nowhere. I don't like doing it- or at least, I tell myself I don't like doing it. And yet, it's gotten to a point where my parents can tell. My dad, at least.



It's the patterns that kill me. It's the way she's just the same, over and over again. It's just- I hate it. And she's always been this presence, practically my whole life. I can't imagine not being friends with her. But sometimes I wish I could. I wish I wasn't at this wierd impass where I can't stand being around her but I can't see myself without her either.



I am remembering what you said last year about a schism. Do you remember that? It inspired a lot of sad/happiness and teary bffffff blog posts. When you said that, it sounded like the worst thing in the world. But now, it seems so... it doesn't seem so unrealistic. But I am wondering who would take her side. I'm worried that nobody would. And this is going to sound really arrogant and awful and whatnot, but here's what else I'm wondering: if she's this bad when we're around, where would she be without us?



gah.

this post reeks of suckage.

I'm depress/stressing myself.



love

Caroline
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EDIT: (line to seperate the suck from the not-so-suck)

PS: If we are collabing (i think we agreed that we are?) We should probably start like discussing or at least throwing ideas around (which is a ridiculous phrase but it sounds like more fun than brainstorming which is horrendously lame and which I think should be a mental illness or at least term for depression rather than thinking of story concepts), since, you know, the thing starts on Saturday and ends *pppannniccc* the last day of november. Also! You should create an account, if you haven't already and either way you should tell me your username you can BE MY BUDDY. aaah. Buddy is a funny word...
aaaahhh...
nerdfighter videos have dissolved my bad mood. Who could remain depressed after hearing John Green tell a lovely tale about speaking at to a bunch of high school kids for an hour... with his zipper unzipped. Poor John. Though I can't help but

hahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa...