only me when I'm with you.

OH my god, you have no idea how horrible school is without you. (I guess you wouldn't, would you?). It was bad. It was awful. I kept casting depressed glances towards the perpetual empty seats where you would have been and then Danielle kept catching me and thinking I was crazy and then at lunch Chloe said something about how she was sad you weren't there and I went into this whole completely overly dramatic monologue and then Courtney came up and she only had to catch three words to be like, *knowing look* "Oh yeah, Heather isn't here."



So basically the day was dreadful. Not exclusively because you weren't there, but that was a very large factor.



Oh! But the silver lining of your absence? Mr. Noll. Reading your part. And, therefore... SINGING.



I hate writing girly poetry. (such as the absolute crap on Don't Fret. I really need someone to post so that that isn't the only thing I see whenver I go there. Because it is bad. This is not me just being my usual self-deprecating self. That poem is BAAAAAD).Why does that always happen? Why do our brains conspire against us to make us all stupid and lame and cliche and pink?

I didn't notice about the ceasing of distractions, mostly because- I don't know. I knew pretty much nothing about the distraction. I got the story from Courtney. All she told me was "He likes her she might like him it's cute". Was there anything more to it than that? The one time I witnessed anything firsthand, it didn't seem ceased. (I mean, Allison picked up on it within ten minutes, and she knew nothing about the whole thing). I would kind of like to hear about all of this from your perspective, sometime, if you wouldn't mind talking about it. I've been kind of lost and out of the loop.

On Arizona: WOW, that is a wide range of wardrobe (a bathing suit and ski-ing clothes? oh. wait. yeah, i just remembered the existence of indoor pools about three seconds ago. I apologize). Also. I really hope it's great. Or at least good. Or at least as good as it can be. I know this all must be so insane and so hard and I don't think it really seems like you had that much of a choice about going. I hope you get a cell phone and if you do I will definitely be putting minutes on mine so that I can be really annoying (as I imagine I am being now. I'm reading this post and I'm not liking me very much) and text you all the time to make sure you're fine.



To segue from worrying about you to worrying about me



I'm worried about me.

I don't think I'm doing very well in the mental health department.

Particularily in thinking about (and having suckish dreams about) people (ah, person) who I hate and don't want to think about and god forbid dream about ever. I really wish I could obliterate him from the face of the planet but just from my head would be okay too.



Also, got my reccomendation letter (because there was a letter attatched, actually) back. Mrs. Riley is my favorite person in the whole entire universe, by the way. It's so incredibly nice that even if my portfolio sucks and I bomb my interview and my essay never even materializes, they might just let me in anyway because they assumed I was having a really long series of off-days. (or, you know, launch an investigation to make sure I didn't write the thing myself).



Also, I'm going to All State tomorrow. All State Chorus, for Emilea/Anna, in case you haven't stopped reading this post after the first two paragraphs because I made no effort to include you in half (or more?) of the post. Basically I have to sing this song that I keep failing at and then sight read. For judges. I'm so nervous it's not even funny. It makes it so much worse that Mrs. Young didn't want me to go. I'll probably have a break down at some point tomorrow on the bus.



And speaking of, I need to go find my 'sunday best' (ack) outfit for the tryouts.

So



I love you

Caroline

She was my best friend, but probably just out of habit.

So begins the essay that I started writing about Courtney a few days ago. It's not so much how I made it sound at lunch- it's not a list of grievences or anything, just kind of a collection of scenes and anecdotes that I think kind of sum up what our friendship is/was/has become. I just noticed when I typed that sentence that the whole thing is in past tense, and that scares me.


I feel so suckish about all of this, especially after what Clarissa said at lunch. Because she's right, of course. We are backstabber-ish. Or I am, at least. And I've been thinking about how I always said that I never wanted to be like this. I always thought that we were so above people like Taylor and Kat and Kendall who pretend to be best friends and then go around ranting about how much they hate each other. But there it is, the second she gets up and leaves the table. And I feel awful about it, but I almost can't help it. Like, she makes me so furious that I find myself ranting out of nowhere. I don't like doing it- or at least, I tell myself I don't like doing it. And yet, it's gotten to a point where my parents can tell. My dad, at least.



It's the patterns that kill me. It's the way she's just the same, over and over again. It's just- I hate it. And she's always been this presence, practically my whole life. I can't imagine not being friends with her. But sometimes I wish I could. I wish I wasn't at this wierd impass where I can't stand being around her but I can't see myself without her either.



I am remembering what you said last year about a schism. Do you remember that? It inspired a lot of sad/happiness and teary bffffff blog posts. When you said that, it sounded like the worst thing in the world. But now, it seems so... it doesn't seem so unrealistic. But I am wondering who would take her side. I'm worried that nobody would. And this is going to sound really arrogant and awful and whatnot, but here's what else I'm wondering: if she's this bad when we're around, where would she be without us?



gah.

this post reeks of suckage.

I'm depress/stressing myself.



love

Caroline
_____________----------------______________
EDIT: (line to seperate the suck from the not-so-suck)

PS: If we are collabing (i think we agreed that we are?) We should probably start like discussing or at least throwing ideas around (which is a ridiculous phrase but it sounds like more fun than brainstorming which is horrendously lame and which I think should be a mental illness or at least term for depression rather than thinking of story concepts), since, you know, the thing starts on Saturday and ends *pppannniccc* the last day of november. Also! You should create an account, if you haven't already and either way you should tell me your username you can BE MY BUDDY. aaah. Buddy is a funny word...
aaaahhh...
nerdfighter videos have dissolved my bad mood. Who could remain depressed after hearing John Green tell a lovely tale about speaking at to a bunch of high school kids for an hour... with his zipper unzipped. Poor John. Though I can't help but

hahhahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa...

cause if I dare open my mouth...

Most amazing CD ever.
Am I exaggerating?
Well, yeah, of course, but in my mind at this moment?
Not even a little.

thank you thank you thank you.

So, I am not writing this from my shiny pink laptop. But my shiny pink laptop is here. It's beautiful. It has fancy Microsoft Word. writewritewritewrite... write.

Which brings me to my next point:
Hey, you wanna write a novel in 30 days?
No? You think that sounds crazy?
Well. That's because it is.
http://nanowrimo.org/
I heard about this from the Scarlett's Eleven people- maybe you did too, actually- and, while it is crazy, it also sounds kind of fun.
And I was thinking - or, actually, this idea just came to be about seven seconds ago, but whatever- maybe we could COLLAB!!! That might be cheating. But so what? I don't know. Anyway. Just thought I'd throw the idea out there. Me and Courtney tried to collab once when we were like twelve but then I ended up writing everything and then Mrs. Crisp stole my notebook, read it, and then wouldn't give it back until she had a conferance with my mother because of 'questionable content'. Meaning, because the parents died. She thought I was a budding serial killer, or something. Wait- do you remember this? I think I actually told you about this when it happened. But that was four years ago. So whatever. Anyway, I didn't want to write that at all anymore so I started writing something else when I was bored in her class. So my first collab (i love hank) was a total failure, but hey,maybe it would be better if we did one. I don't know.

Okay, so yesterday, I was in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, right, and I was sitting in my mom's car while she was shopping, listening to mmhmm and reading A Long Way Down, and then this man drives up in a red convertible at some point. I didn't actually see him at that point. Because I wouldn't have even noticed the man if he wasn't... whistling. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOUD. So loud that I could hear him even when I turned the CD up to top volume. And he didn't even get out of the car. He just... sat there. For at least three or four songs. And after I looked at him a few times he started staring at me. Still whistling. And then, when my mom came back, whistling man was gone.

I'm actually thinking it might have been my dad, because it kind of looked like him, and they were wearing the same hat, and he whistles a lot, and sometimes he has to drive his client's cars around when they go away for a long time, so that the cars don't get stale or something. But then he didn't say anything about it. I'm also thinking that I'm psycho and hallucinating all of this.

In response to your Don't Fret comment:
You aren't off-base. Not exactly. I mean, that part was... yeah. Yeah, that was about him. *adopts jess's voice* I'm not gonna lie.
But not because I like him- that's not it, if that's what you're asking. I kind of had him in mind in relation to that particular part, but only because-
okay, this is confusing. He's in there because as you may recall I liked him before they left. And when they came back, I thought... I don't know. But I don't. And he's in there because I was kind of expressing frustration in relation to that. If any of this makes any sense to you... which it probably doesn't. Sorry. But, let's go with...
no.
go back!
comment!

Caroline

PS: Okay, maybe I did lie a little. Maybe I do. A bit. But only sometimes.

it will just be to bite my tongue.

sorry about your dead blog

Ha. Okay, so about a year ago the Microsoft Word program on my computer completely spazzed out and stopped working, so to get to it I have to go through this complicated process where I go to microsoft works and click on 'letter', which takes me to Microsoft Word, only there's this window where you have to set up your letter. Since I'm not actually writing a letter, I usually don't bother with the set up window; I just click next a bunch of times until the little window. But today my computer was being slow(er than usual...) and I discovered the joy of...

SAMPLE LETTERS.
The following, including titles and tips at the end, are completely and totally the work of Microsoft Word. Just wait. Take in the ridiculous. Be entertained.

charge on my bill i didn't make
There's an error on my monthly statement, and I'd like it corrected immediately.I've been charged $130.00 for a meal at Le Petit Jardin in Santa Fe, New Mexico on January 23. That charge is incorrect because:
1) I've never been to Santa Fe.
2) On January 23 I was in the hospital undergoing surgery (attached is a copy of my hospital bill.)
3) My credit card has never left my possession.Please remove this charge from my bill.
* State your reasons for believing that the creditor is in error, and supply proof, if possible.* Request that the charge be removed from your statement.

dear mom & dad, my grades are awful
I wish I could rewind my life like a videotape. Then I could start the last semester over and study harder, receive better grades, and not have to write this letter.Unfortunately, I have to face reality, and that means admitting that my grades were awful. I'm angry with myself for not doing better. I guess I put my social life and campus activities ahead of hitting the books.I'm making a renewed commitment to apply myself next semester. I know I have the potential to earn good grades, and seeing how awful it feels to do poorly, I won't shortchange myself again.
* Don't make excuses. Take responsibility for your bad grades.
* State your commitment to improve.

sorry i burned a hole in your sofa
If you noticed that I skulked out of your house Saturday night, it was because I was so embarrassed I couldn't look you in the eye. I'm the one who burned the hole in your new sofa. I was so mortified, my first reaction was to run. Please allow me to pay for the repair. I'd be happy to make arrangements with an upholsterer I've worked with to have the sofa picked up at your convenience. I'll call in a few days to find out what's best for you.Aside from my blunder, it was one great party! Thanks for inviting me. I hope you'll forgive me for the accident and the unconscionable way I dealt with it.
* Explain what happened, and how you feel about it. Don't trivialize the incident.
* Offer to take care of any expense, and be sure to follow up in good faith

your salesperson was rude
One of your saleswomen offended me, and unless she's reprimanded and retrained, I won't be returning to your store. Her name is Clarice.I was trying on bathing suits (as if that isn't traumatic enough!), and had narrowed my selections down to four. I asked Clarice which two she thought looked best. Her response was, "If you don't lose fifteen pounds, it doesn't matter which one you buy."Obviously, she doesn't work on commission, but that's no excuse for her rudeness and insensitivity. I got dressed immediately and left the store without making a purchase.If you expect to stay in business, you'd better pay more attention to your employees' attitudes. Please let me know how you plan to correct this problem.
* Describe the offendng salesperson's behavior.* State your expectation of a response.

your dog's barking keeps me awake
I'm a nurse who works long and hard hours. A good night's sleep is critical to my performance on the job.For the past week, your dog has made it impossible for me to get any rest. He starts barking just as I'm trying to go to sleep, and he continues non-stop into the early morning.The loss of sleep is starting to affect my work and I can't allow that to happen. Please find a way to keep your dog quiet.
* Explain any special circumstances that might gain the reader's cooperation.
* Be cordial, but make your point.


is it just me, or are these seriously entertaining? I mean, the titles alone...

<3
love
caroline

PS: lack of comments make caroline sad. more to the point, lack of comments make caroline feel like a crazy person talking to her computer. do we really want caroline's mental health to deteriorate any further??