please don't mind what I'm trying to say

I didn't read your last blog until a few minutes ago, so this thing has kind of caught me totally off-guard. I mean, I know you said you might not send it in, but... I don't know. I didn't think about it because I was too stressed and freaked out about me to spend a second worrying about you, because I am a suckish person. And then we were talking about Dominic and Austin. So... well, we were talking about Dominic and Austin. It's impossible to fret while talking about Dominic and Austin. I really need to stop saying Dominic and Austin. Wow. Moving on.

It makes me sad that you're not applying. I know I'm not Anna and Emilea and I see you all the time so I don't have much to be sad about. I don't even know why I am. I guess I just had this silly image tucked in the back of my mind where all four of us got in and went and had perfect wonderful happy Governor's School lives. Or at least, that was all I could think it was, until I read that part in your blog where you said something about me leaving and I decided that that's what's making me so sad. It's the fact that I've known this whole time that if (by some slim and crazy miracle) I get in, it would tear my heart out to leave. Really. I mean, being apart from Chloe and Allison and Danielle and Courtney and Jess (less relevent because she'll be in college in any case, but... whatever) would hurt me so much. I'd have a pain in my pancreas that would only go away when I came home to visit and it wouldn't even go all the way away then because I'd know that I would have to leave again. But I've had this comforting thought that you would be there, too, or at least that you had just as good a chance as being there as I did. And not seeing you would be different than not seeing them. It would be the only thing worse, as far as missing people goes. You're my best friend. And I have no idea how I would handle living five hours away from you. Actually, as far as I know, people don't tend to be able to live at all when half of them is a gazillion miles south, so I don't know if I could handle it at all.

Anyway. This post is exceedingly depressing. Never mind.

cause I, I'm being honest...
<3
Caroline

PS: There's nothing wrong with liking him (just as long as you don't heckle him). It's not as though you could help it if there was. And maybe you'll have a class with him next semester. Although I'm in complete agreement about the hating the hugging from guys in general when you like them. Also the fact that "I love you" is the new hello, goodbye, and everything in between. It's false hope-y and it causes infuriating inner-stupid-girliness and it drives me crazy. (I speak from previous experiences, obviously, not current, because I still don't like anyone. Ack. It sucks. I need to find me a man).

PPS: I'm listening to Vampire. You were right. :)