Happy New Year.
I’m starting to believe that sentence.
I (as I write this in my Moleskine sketchbook, obviously, not as I post it on the blog) am sitting in my newly empty and field like backyard for the first time since my parents gave away our swing set. I haven’t ventured back here since that fateful morning a little over a week ago when my mother announced that it was gone, that she had given it away to my father’s friend and his kids, and I looked out into the backyard in disbelief, and promptly burst into tears. I’m sure, to you, Anna and Emilea, not knowing much about this swing set of mine, sounds really petulant and childish, which it was. I don’t even know why it hit me so hard. But the swing set was, even in my much later years, a bit ridiculously important to me. It was my escape from everything from boring Christmas parties to fights with my parents. It was where me and my friends spent the bulk of our time during daylight (and later) hours at my house, even recently. Tommy carved his initials in the swing set. It was as much a part of my childhood as the house itself. Anyway. I’m sitting here now and it isn’t depressing, the way I had expected it to be. It’s just clean. The entire yard feels so expansive and huge and perfect. Not perfect as in just how I would like it to be, but perfect as in… as it was intended. Whole and untouched. The grass is somewhere between green and brown, and it is a little long, because no one mows the lawn in winter, trusting it not to grow at all. I am not explaining this right. But in a way, I don’t mind how it is, to sit here, on a day with my favorite sort of weather (cool, but not freezing, with the sun out and the sky the color that you paint it when you’re small), under the tree in the yard that the boy scout next door planted just before we moved in. It’s nice. Anyway. Moving on now.
I read somewhere that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
So call me crazy.
New Year’s Resolutions, 2009:
-to get into Governor’s School. Or at least to feel like I did everything I could, as far as reading and writing and interview preparation goes. As in, read as much contemporary fiction as I can find, between the library and BAM, and as much poetry as I can beg my mom to let me buy from Amazon. Write so much that my Moleskine fills up before I even get to my audition. It’s getting there already, actually; I only have 70 pages or so left out of the original 200. I would also resolve to accept and move past the fact that there is a great chance I won’t get in, but I feel like that would be counterproductive, so I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. (Is that the expression? I’m not sure what the expression is, honestly, but I know there is one).
-to work harder, in general, mostly at school.
-to continue on the ‘being a better friend’ front.
-Just to be… I don’t know. Happier. I’ve never considered myself a pessimist, but when recently I’ve felt like I’m becoming one, and I don’t want that. I think I have just been so teenager recently. Angst-ridden. Pouty. Prone to constant complaint. The last thing I want to be is a downer all the time. But lately… I’ve been feeling cranky and pubescent. And I don’t know why. I want that to change.
And today I feel like it can.
Maybe because it is such a pretty day, or because it’s a new year, or because tomorrow I get to see my very best friend for the first time in two excruciatingly long weeks, and mostly of the other people I love most in the world the day after that. Maybe because I just read the beautiful posts that Anna and Emilea wrote. Maybe because my own birthday- the other milestone that marks a new year- is so close.
I’m excited about 2009, but 2008, with all it’s pros and cons, was pretty great in all. Largely because of all three of you. I miss you all so much that, as Maureen Johnson has said, I have a pain in my pancreas (this is more literal than I expected when I fell in love with that charming phrase in the first place).
Love, and, for 2009, best wishes:
Caroline
2 comments:
no, i understand. the swingset was where i would pretend beautiful, famous men fell in love with me. and where i became a saint or the youngest u.s. poet laureate, or the best pop star this universe has ever seen. me and a friend tried to swing on the same swing at the same time once. it was funny.
i just painted my nails 'santa baby'. it's actually a very pretty color. i did two coats to get it nice and rich. my nails feel heavier. ever notice that? even though it's two miniscule coats of lacquer, you notice the weight.
on the subject of weight (and no, not the physical weight), i think that's what makes us so pessimistic. we just feel so much pressure to be the best and get the awards and the adoration of all. it's just hard to be bubbly when we're working on being perfect in every category. which means, of course, that we fail in the pleasant category. so perfection is already unattainable.
i love you caroline. and your moleskine. i have to decided to work as hard as physically possible on everything related to the application. and then let it go, knowing that i put everything into it. there isn't a single reason that i didn't get in except that they didn't like me. which makes the rejection all that much harder, but it's better than 'i should have...' for the rest of my life, eh?
much love,
emilea
I think the first is the hardest to do for me, but I know you'll accomplish it. I'm not sure about my new year resolutions this year. There are so many things that I want to resolute (yes, I'm making that a word).
I think you've got all of yours covered. Besides, you already are a better friend.
Heather
Post a Comment