for what it's worth, darling dear

Note to Anna and Emilea, who I miss so much it's a pain in all of my interior organs- this post is all for Heather (which is the case a lot, I know, and I'm sorry). I hate to even put it on the blog, but I had too much to say for a comment, and I am completely sick of emailing about this. That's not to say that you can't read, just that you'll probably be bored.

Anyway.

Note to Heather before I start- please don't worry. I won't make you cry.

Remember the first time we broke the rules, when you were at my house? You told me that he knew you liked him, and I said something along the lines of, "I could never hate you for anything that stupid. If you're happy, then I'll be happy for you... no matter what."

I'm sorry. Because that was a lie. Or at least, I thought it was. I fully intended to try to be happy, or at the very least, pretend to be happy. But I wasn't sure I could be happy for real, no matter how badly I wanted to be.

And yes, there have been moments this summer when I hated you. Or maybe not you exactly, but the situation. I hated that he obviously liked you, I hated that you wouldn't talk to me, I hated feeling like we'd grown apart, I hated not being invited to things, I hated comparing myself to you constantly and being so angry that I quite obviously fell miles short, I hated that making it through a day without crying had, at one point, become an accomplishment.

And yes, I cried my eyes out on Sunday night. I screamed. I ran. I professed deep loathing for both of you, even though I don't hate you or Paul in the slightest. I didn't consider taking Gretchen up on her drug offer, but I did kind of wish that I was the sort of person who would consider it. I spent about hours lying on her freezing cold living room floor, long after I had told her I was okay, just crying and wondering and feeling like an idiot. A question that I didn't ask you, but that I spent a disgusting amount of time thinking: what the hell is so wrong with me that it takes a guy one day to figure out that he doesn't like me?

But you know what's weird? In those hours when I was talking to Gretchen, and the time afterward, there was one person who I wanted with me. I missed you so much that night, which didn't make any sense because I simultaneously wanted to hit you (I missed you a lot more than I wanted to hit you, but the wanting to hit you was still there). I wished I was home, and we were just sitting at one of our houses and talking for hours, because I knew that would make me feel better. You've always been the one who could actually help me. Kristin is an unbelievably amazing person who made me feel infinitely better the next day, despite the fact that she's much closer to you, and Gretchen at least tried, and Courtney did what she could over text. None of them are you, though, and that's why I wanted to talk to you so badly- not because of anything I really had to say, just because I needed you.

To get to the point of this post, though, here's something you might not know about the nature of me-when-I-like-someone. I will like someone forever(or what seems like it) but if I have a good reason to stop, then I do. Not because I'm trying to. It just happens naturally. Did I continue to like Hudson after I was very publically rejected at sixth grade field day? Um, no. Definitely not. Or Kenny after he turned out to be gay? Hell, no. Or William, after- well, actually, the far from amazing kissing was the beginning of the end for him, but officially let's say I stopped after he turned out to be a complete asshole.

And do I like Paul, now that he is for all intents and purposes- if not officially, because I'm not clear on that - dating my best friend in the world?

No. I don't.

When you told me about kissing him last night, my first and only reaction was to be happy for you. If you need evidence, read the rest of this post- I've been painfully honest, so I think you can believe me when I say that I'd tell you if this were not the case. I went to dinner and the only thing that I was upset at you for was waiting until the last minute and thereby denying me of my privilege and duty as your Best Friend In The World (that title has seemed so shaky this summer, so I'm just happy that I can finally say it again and not be scared that you'll contradict me) to know every detail, to hear you be girly and ridiculous and everything that comes along with this. And the only thing that hurts now is the fact that you didn't think you could tell me immediatly. I understand why you felt that way, but I still don't like it.

Here's the difference between you and Ruby Oliver- that girl has shitty friends. In fact, I don't think you can be Ruby, because I am not Nora. I really do love you, and I would never ask you to change how you feel for my sake or for anyone's sake. I'd be there for you for anything, and I would take your side in any battle, even if you were wrong. And even if I was a miserable wreck over Paul right now, I would want you to be happy. Also, I can't play sports or bake and have no hooters to speak of. This analogy really doesn't work at all. Except for the sixteen and a half years of Noboyfriend, which does suck. Maybe you could hook me up with Zac...

You shouldn't let your family situation stop you from being happy about this. I know you're upset, and you have good reason to be, but let yourself enjoy this. Let him distract you. :)

And if you spend another second not being completely happy because you feel bad for me, then I really will hit you. You may not think that's a major threat, but all those weeks of Kenpo have made my right hook pretty excellent.

I suspect you held back last night, and if I'm right, then call me if you want and tell me everything. Repeat the entire two-hour conversation, or go into stupid teen romance novel detail (what kind of kiss? and how long? and where were the hands? and was your heart in your kneecaps? :] ), or just babble. Say whatever you want, because I swear that none of it will bother me.

I love you, and I promise that you'll never have to miss me. Meaning, of course, that you'll never have to miss talking to me, or miss our weird twin thing, or miss being my friend. You do have to miss me now. That's an order.

Caroline

I wish you were here. Cause I feel alone.