1:23 am.
In that weird phase of my body being tired and my brain being wired.
Tired. Wired.
hahahahahaha.
Everything's funnier at 1:23 in the morning.
Why my tired brain is wired, I am not sure. I really don't have anything to think about. Courtney called me with all this news from camp (spiritual high and whatnot. no camplove!) and I had nothing to offer in return. I was just... blank. I have no news. My entire week has been uneventful. I mean, not boring or bad. I've actually hung out with someone every day. There's just no news. And maybe that's good. When I have news, it's never good.
Man. I love how I just have such a great attitude lately.
That being sarcasm.
Lately I just keep saying (or thinking, ususally, I think so much and don't say it) things and then being like who was that? Or who is it. Because I wasn't always the kind of person who hates herself. At least not the kind that hates herself a lot. I was never, ever, ever, ever the kind of person that feels guilty after every meal that isn't tiny and walks around holding her breath in. And now I am that person. I count calories. I sit around and think what is wrong with me? over and over again and find a dozen more answers every time. And it is all so gross and cliche and teenager and the worst part is that I know that. I feel stupid. I want to stop thinking this way. I'm trying to. But I'm increasingly less sure that I can.
I hate this summer. It's weird and twisted and it sucks and it's messing with my head. I feel crazy. Not good I'm-in-a-cula crazy, but Esther Greenwood/needs to be locked up crazy. I just... I should make sense to myself, and I don't.
I'm sorry for this stupid post. I don't know why I'm writing it and I don't know why I'm not erasing it and deleting it from the list of drafts. I guess because it's 2:07 in the morning and I'm really sick of pretending there's nothing wrong.
There's more I could say, but I'm not that crazy.
Caroline
when I'm too tired to fall asleep.
2 comments:
Caroline, you are acting like a teenager because you ARE a teenager. We are trapped inside our chemically imbalanced bodies. This is not a hopeless view, it's just a realistic one. The only thing we can do is take all of this inevitable negative feeling and find a way to think positively in its aftermath. We're going to hate ourselves and have mood swings. We're going to be depressed, even. We're going to feel as if our lives are unremarkable. We're going to feel sad enough to consume an entire pint of ice cream and then we're going to look in the mirror and wonder what went wrong (when really nothing is wrong at all).
That's okay. It's especially okay to tell us, so we know we're not alone. Just remember that it happens. Just remember that happiness happens, and not when you're looking for it. Just remember that it makes you forget the stagnant times. You just remember that even the girl who spent only two weeks of her life with you reads your blog posts from four hours away and thinks about what a remarkable person you are, and how glad she is to know you.
Don't lose heart. I love and miss you very much.
-Anna
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I wish I could say this better, but Anna has already done such a great job of it.
I love you and want you to know that yeah, life sometimes sucks and sometimes you feel sorry for yourself, but that it won't always be like this. And maybe good comes out of times like these. No one would be the same person they are if they hadn't gone through crappy periods in their lives where nothing seemed right and everything seemed awful. But when you push through it and think positively, you are a better person for it. And you can't get much better than you already are anyway.
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