Once again, posting because I am up at an hour in which there is absolutely nothing else to do. Some day, I promise, I will post because there is news.
Anyway, the reason that I awoke at six this morning is that I was involved in an evil-but-for-a-good-cause scheme which involved being up until after three in the morning (do you know what would be great right now? Jessica's bed), and I ceased being tired after one or two, so while others were sleeping, I read on the bathroom floor, either because of the ginormous and delicious coffee with extra espresso shot that Jess made for me at 11 finally kicked in or because I was horribly distraught, since my best friend's boryfriend said he loved her and I heard about it from Kristen when said best friend was in the room and had been with me for hours. Okay, it was definitely the coffee, but still. I was kind of distraught. It confused me and made me feel sad and helpless and made me cry a little which made me feel like a drama queen and I hate all of that. I still kind of feel sad and confused and helpless, but there are more causes for worry now that overpower my selfish and ridiculous need to be the one who you most like to tell things.
And then somehow, I wasn't even tired all day yesterday (could it be the Starbucks I had with Courtney at noon?), and in fact was plenty energized to go to Maryville with Jessica for church which was cancelled, so instead I shopped at the Allison Purse Boutique, went out for dinner, and aided in yet another evil scheme in the name of forbidden love. This one was far less elaborate, being as Allison does not have the skill for conniving that Kristen does, and only involved sitting on a porch bench with Jessica and being eaten alive by mosquitos.
Last night, I went to bed at ten and woke up at 6:12, which is either a sign that I should never sleep that early even if I have been concious for 36 hours running, or that I am ready for school to start. Which I am. Heather's definitely right about summer being different for everyone. Mine has had some great moments, but on the whole has been painful and gross and (as seen in the previous post) pity party inspiring, and I'm just ready to be busy. I've had far too much time to think recently, and I almost crave the panic and difficulty that is sure to be a side-effect of junior year. I think it's going to be good, though, on the whole, even if it is hard. Or I'm determined to believe that it's going to be good. I am really sick of having a bad attitude, so... maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.
That's about all I've got, and now it's late enough (9:04) that I can't use the excuse that there is nothing else to do this early. So I'm off to bike and shower and read How Not To Write a Novel and revise accordingly.
Caroline
cause I've been dreaming through my wasted summer days.
an edit at 1:10 in the morning because, no, I'm still not sleeping- can anyone in the world just be okay right now? Can there be one life that I am involved in that does not involve drama and horror and ridiculous? I hate how horrible things are for so many people. I hate it because I love the afformentioned people and I worry about them to no end and I want them to be okay, and I hate it because I've had to use the phrases "that sucks" and "I'm sorry" too many times to count recently. I hate those phrases. They convey absolutely nothing about how empathy or even sympathy actually is. Typing those words or even saying them is just so insufficient. And they've never made me feel any better about anything. Luckily, the people who I choose to complain to are more eloquent than I when I am whining for far more ridiculous reasons.
Ack. These creases on my forehead are going to get permanent.
2 comments:
I'm so sorry. I tried to tell y'all at waffle house about a billion times but I couldn't get the words out. Just as I couldn't make my voice come out after he said it. It was so much harder to say out loud than to text, but I couldn't just text it to you. With Kristen, that's sufficient. With you and jess, it isn't. I really wanted to tell you, I was just very shocked and confused and amazed and happy and scared and so many different things that I couldn't even talk. And you deserved to hear it from my mouth, not from a phone speaker or read it in a text.
I hate how all of this played out. And I hate how saying that makes me feel like Katlyn and feel like I'm taking no responsibility for it. I am. You just have to understand that I didn't just keep it from you. I wasn't ready to say it out loud.
I love you.
Heather
See, I hoped that was the reason. I'd just convinced myself that that was delusional wishful thinking and the only possible real explaination was that you like Kristen more.
Sorry for sometimes not believing the best in you lately, because you always are the best. I'm just neurotic. It's the lack of sleep.
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