for what it's worth, darling dear

Note to Anna and Emilea, who I miss so much it's a pain in all of my interior organs- this post is all for Heather (which is the case a lot, I know, and I'm sorry). I hate to even put it on the blog, but I had too much to say for a comment, and I am completely sick of emailing about this. That's not to say that you can't read, just that you'll probably be bored.

Anyway.

Note to Heather before I start- please don't worry. I won't make you cry.

Remember the first time we broke the rules, when you were at my house? You told me that he knew you liked him, and I said something along the lines of, "I could never hate you for anything that stupid. If you're happy, then I'll be happy for you... no matter what."

I'm sorry. Because that was a lie. Or at least, I thought it was. I fully intended to try to be happy, or at the very least, pretend to be happy. But I wasn't sure I could be happy for real, no matter how badly I wanted to be.

And yes, there have been moments this summer when I hated you. Or maybe not you exactly, but the situation. I hated that he obviously liked you, I hated that you wouldn't talk to me, I hated feeling like we'd grown apart, I hated not being invited to things, I hated comparing myself to you constantly and being so angry that I quite obviously fell miles short, I hated that making it through a day without crying had, at one point, become an accomplishment.

And yes, I cried my eyes out on Sunday night. I screamed. I ran. I professed deep loathing for both of you, even though I don't hate you or Paul in the slightest. I didn't consider taking Gretchen up on her drug offer, but I did kind of wish that I was the sort of person who would consider it. I spent about hours lying on her freezing cold living room floor, long after I had told her I was okay, just crying and wondering and feeling like an idiot. A question that I didn't ask you, but that I spent a disgusting amount of time thinking: what the hell is so wrong with me that it takes a guy one day to figure out that he doesn't like me?

But you know what's weird? In those hours when I was talking to Gretchen, and the time afterward, there was one person who I wanted with me. I missed you so much that night, which didn't make any sense because I simultaneously wanted to hit you (I missed you a lot more than I wanted to hit you, but the wanting to hit you was still there). I wished I was home, and we were just sitting at one of our houses and talking for hours, because I knew that would make me feel better. You've always been the one who could actually help me. Kristin is an unbelievably amazing person who made me feel infinitely better the next day, despite the fact that she's much closer to you, and Gretchen at least tried, and Courtney did what she could over text. None of them are you, though, and that's why I wanted to talk to you so badly- not because of anything I really had to say, just because I needed you.

To get to the point of this post, though, here's something you might not know about the nature of me-when-I-like-someone. I will like someone forever(or what seems like it) but if I have a good reason to stop, then I do. Not because I'm trying to. It just happens naturally. Did I continue to like Hudson after I was very publically rejected at sixth grade field day? Um, no. Definitely not. Or Kenny after he turned out to be gay? Hell, no. Or William, after- well, actually, the far from amazing kissing was the beginning of the end for him, but officially let's say I stopped after he turned out to be a complete asshole.

And do I like Paul, now that he is for all intents and purposes- if not officially, because I'm not clear on that - dating my best friend in the world?

No. I don't.

When you told me about kissing him last night, my first and only reaction was to be happy for you. If you need evidence, read the rest of this post- I've been painfully honest, so I think you can believe me when I say that I'd tell you if this were not the case. I went to dinner and the only thing that I was upset at you for was waiting until the last minute and thereby denying me of my privilege and duty as your Best Friend In The World (that title has seemed so shaky this summer, so I'm just happy that I can finally say it again and not be scared that you'll contradict me) to know every detail, to hear you be girly and ridiculous and everything that comes along with this. And the only thing that hurts now is the fact that you didn't think you could tell me immediatly. I understand why you felt that way, but I still don't like it.

Here's the difference between you and Ruby Oliver- that girl has shitty friends. In fact, I don't think you can be Ruby, because I am not Nora. I really do love you, and I would never ask you to change how you feel for my sake or for anyone's sake. I'd be there for you for anything, and I would take your side in any battle, even if you were wrong. And even if I was a miserable wreck over Paul right now, I would want you to be happy. Also, I can't play sports or bake and have no hooters to speak of. This analogy really doesn't work at all. Except for the sixteen and a half years of Noboyfriend, which does suck. Maybe you could hook me up with Zac...

You shouldn't let your family situation stop you from being happy about this. I know you're upset, and you have good reason to be, but let yourself enjoy this. Let him distract you. :)

And if you spend another second not being completely happy because you feel bad for me, then I really will hit you. You may not think that's a major threat, but all those weeks of Kenpo have made my right hook pretty excellent.

I suspect you held back last night, and if I'm right, then call me if you want and tell me everything. Repeat the entire two-hour conversation, or go into stupid teen romance novel detail (what kind of kiss? and how long? and where were the hands? and was your heart in your kneecaps? :] ), or just babble. Say whatever you want, because I swear that none of it will bother me.

I love you, and I promise that you'll never have to miss me. Meaning, of course, that you'll never have to miss talking to me, or miss our weird twin thing, or miss being my friend. You do have to miss me now. That's an order.

Caroline

I wish you were here. Cause I feel alone.

sorry about your dead blog

Ha. Okay, so about a year ago the Microsoft Word program on my computer completely spazzed out and stopped working, so to get to it I have to go through this complicated process where I go to microsoft works and click on 'letter', which takes me to Microsoft Word, only there's this window where you have to set up your letter. Since I'm not actually writing a letter, I usually don't bother with the set up window; I just click next a bunch of times until the little window. But today my computer was being slow(er than usual...) and I discovered the joy of...

SAMPLE LETTERS.
The following, including titles and tips at the end, are completely and totally the work of Microsoft Word. Just wait. Take in the ridiculous. Be entertained.

charge on my bill i didn't make
There's an error on my monthly statement, and I'd like it corrected immediately.I've been charged $130.00 for a meal at Le Petit Jardin in Santa Fe, New Mexico on January 23. That charge is incorrect because:
1) I've never been to Santa Fe.
2) On January 23 I was in the hospital undergoing surgery (attached is a copy of my hospital bill.)
3) My credit card has never left my possession.Please remove this charge from my bill.
* State your reasons for believing that the creditor is in error, and supply proof, if possible.* Request that the charge be removed from your statement.

dear mom & dad, my grades are awful
I wish I could rewind my life like a videotape. Then I could start the last semester over and study harder, receive better grades, and not have to write this letter.Unfortunately, I have to face reality, and that means admitting that my grades were awful. I'm angry with myself for not doing better. I guess I put my social life and campus activities ahead of hitting the books.I'm making a renewed commitment to apply myself next semester. I know I have the potential to earn good grades, and seeing how awful it feels to do poorly, I won't shortchange myself again.
* Don't make excuses. Take responsibility for your bad grades.
* State your commitment to improve.

sorry i burned a hole in your sofa
If you noticed that I skulked out of your house Saturday night, it was because I was so embarrassed I couldn't look you in the eye. I'm the one who burned the hole in your new sofa. I was so mortified, my first reaction was to run. Please allow me to pay for the repair. I'd be happy to make arrangements with an upholsterer I've worked with to have the sofa picked up at your convenience. I'll call in a few days to find out what's best for you.Aside from my blunder, it was one great party! Thanks for inviting me. I hope you'll forgive me for the accident and the unconscionable way I dealt with it.
* Explain what happened, and how you feel about it. Don't trivialize the incident.
* Offer to take care of any expense, and be sure to follow up in good faith

your salesperson was rude
One of your saleswomen offended me, and unless she's reprimanded and retrained, I won't be returning to your store. Her name is Clarice.I was trying on bathing suits (as if that isn't traumatic enough!), and had narrowed my selections down to four. I asked Clarice which two she thought looked best. Her response was, "If you don't lose fifteen pounds, it doesn't matter which one you buy."Obviously, she doesn't work on commission, but that's no excuse for her rudeness and insensitivity. I got dressed immediately and left the store without making a purchase.If you expect to stay in business, you'd better pay more attention to your employees' attitudes. Please let me know how you plan to correct this problem.
* Describe the offendng salesperson's behavior.* State your expectation of a response.

your dog's barking keeps me awake
I'm a nurse who works long and hard hours. A good night's sleep is critical to my performance on the job.For the past week, your dog has made it impossible for me to get any rest. He starts barking just as I'm trying to go to sleep, and he continues non-stop into the early morning.The loss of sleep is starting to affect my work and I can't allow that to happen. Please find a way to keep your dog quiet.
* Explain any special circumstances that might gain the reader's cooperation.
* Be cordial, but make your point.


is it just me, or are these seriously entertaining? I mean, the titles alone...

<3
love
caroline

PS: lack of comments make caroline sad. more to the point, lack of comments make caroline feel like a crazy person talking to her computer. do we really want caroline's mental health to deteriorate any further??