and I've been thinking that I almost feel okay

Once again, posting because I am up at an hour in which there is absolutely nothing else to do. Some day, I promise, I will post because there is news.

Anyway, the reason that I awoke at six this morning is that I was involved in an evil-but-for-a-good-cause scheme which involved being up until after three in the morning (do you know what would be great right now? Jessica's bed), and I ceased being tired after one or two, so while others were sleeping, I read on the bathroom floor, either because of the ginormous and delicious coffee with extra espresso shot that Jess made for me at 11 finally kicked in or because I was horribly distraught, since my best friend's boryfriend said he loved her and I heard about it from Kristen when said best friend was in the room and had been with me for hours. Okay, it was definitely the coffee, but still. I was kind of distraught. It confused me and made me feel sad and helpless and made me cry a little which made me feel like a drama queen and I hate all of that. I still kind of feel sad and confused and helpless, but there are more causes for worry now that overpower my selfish and ridiculous need to be the one who you most like to tell things.

And then somehow, I wasn't even tired all day yesterday (could it be the Starbucks I had with Courtney at noon?), and in fact was plenty energized to go to Maryville with Jessica for church which was cancelled, so instead I shopped at the Allison Purse Boutique, went out for dinner, and aided in yet another evil scheme in the name of forbidden love. This one was far less elaborate, being as Allison does not have the skill for conniving that Kristen does, and only involved sitting on a porch bench with Jessica and being eaten alive by mosquitos.

Last night, I went to bed at ten and woke up at 6:12, which is either a sign that I should never sleep that early even if I have been concious for 36 hours running, or that I am ready for school to start. Which I am. Heather's definitely right about summer being different for everyone. Mine has had some great moments, but on the whole has been painful and gross and (as seen in the previous post) pity party inspiring, and I'm just ready to be busy. I've had far too much time to think recently, and I almost crave the panic and difficulty that is sure to be a side-effect of junior year. I think it's going to be good, though, on the whole, even if it is hard. Or I'm determined to believe that it's going to be good. I am really sick of having a bad attitude, so... maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.

That's about all I've got, and now it's late enough (9:04) that I can't use the excuse that there is nothing else to do this early. So I'm off to bike and shower and read How Not To Write a Novel and revise accordingly.

Caroline

cause I've been dreaming through my wasted summer days.

an edit at 1:10 in the morning because, no, I'm still not sleeping- can anyone in the world just be okay right now? Can there be one life that I am involved in that does not involve drama and horror and ridiculous? I hate how horrible things are for so many people. I hate it because I love the afformentioned people and I worry about them to no end and I want them to be okay, and I hate it because I've had to use the phrases "that sucks" and "I'm sorry" too many times to count recently. I hate those phrases. They convey absolutely nothing about how empathy or even sympathy actually is. Typing those words or even saying them is just so insufficient. And they've never made me feel any better about anything. Luckily, the people who I choose to complain to are more eloquent than I when I am whining for far more ridiculous reasons.

Ack. These creases on my forehead are going to get permanent.

for what it's worth, darling dear

Note to Anna and Emilea, who I miss so much it's a pain in all of my interior organs- this post is all for Heather (which is the case a lot, I know, and I'm sorry). I hate to even put it on the blog, but I had too much to say for a comment, and I am completely sick of emailing about this. That's not to say that you can't read, just that you'll probably be bored.

Anyway.

Note to Heather before I start- please don't worry. I won't make you cry.

Remember the first time we broke the rules, when you were at my house? You told me that he knew you liked him, and I said something along the lines of, "I could never hate you for anything that stupid. If you're happy, then I'll be happy for you... no matter what."

I'm sorry. Because that was a lie. Or at least, I thought it was. I fully intended to try to be happy, or at the very least, pretend to be happy. But I wasn't sure I could be happy for real, no matter how badly I wanted to be.

And yes, there have been moments this summer when I hated you. Or maybe not you exactly, but the situation. I hated that he obviously liked you, I hated that you wouldn't talk to me, I hated feeling like we'd grown apart, I hated not being invited to things, I hated comparing myself to you constantly and being so angry that I quite obviously fell miles short, I hated that making it through a day without crying had, at one point, become an accomplishment.

And yes, I cried my eyes out on Sunday night. I screamed. I ran. I professed deep loathing for both of you, even though I don't hate you or Paul in the slightest. I didn't consider taking Gretchen up on her drug offer, but I did kind of wish that I was the sort of person who would consider it. I spent about hours lying on her freezing cold living room floor, long after I had told her I was okay, just crying and wondering and feeling like an idiot. A question that I didn't ask you, but that I spent a disgusting amount of time thinking: what the hell is so wrong with me that it takes a guy one day to figure out that he doesn't like me?

But you know what's weird? In those hours when I was talking to Gretchen, and the time afterward, there was one person who I wanted with me. I missed you so much that night, which didn't make any sense because I simultaneously wanted to hit you (I missed you a lot more than I wanted to hit you, but the wanting to hit you was still there). I wished I was home, and we were just sitting at one of our houses and talking for hours, because I knew that would make me feel better. You've always been the one who could actually help me. Kristin is an unbelievably amazing person who made me feel infinitely better the next day, despite the fact that she's much closer to you, and Gretchen at least tried, and Courtney did what she could over text. None of them are you, though, and that's why I wanted to talk to you so badly- not because of anything I really had to say, just because I needed you.

To get to the point of this post, though, here's something you might not know about the nature of me-when-I-like-someone. I will like someone forever(or what seems like it) but if I have a good reason to stop, then I do. Not because I'm trying to. It just happens naturally. Did I continue to like Hudson after I was very publically rejected at sixth grade field day? Um, no. Definitely not. Or Kenny after he turned out to be gay? Hell, no. Or William, after- well, actually, the far from amazing kissing was the beginning of the end for him, but officially let's say I stopped after he turned out to be a complete asshole.

And do I like Paul, now that he is for all intents and purposes- if not officially, because I'm not clear on that - dating my best friend in the world?

No. I don't.

When you told me about kissing him last night, my first and only reaction was to be happy for you. If you need evidence, read the rest of this post- I've been painfully honest, so I think you can believe me when I say that I'd tell you if this were not the case. I went to dinner and the only thing that I was upset at you for was waiting until the last minute and thereby denying me of my privilege and duty as your Best Friend In The World (that title has seemed so shaky this summer, so I'm just happy that I can finally say it again and not be scared that you'll contradict me) to know every detail, to hear you be girly and ridiculous and everything that comes along with this. And the only thing that hurts now is the fact that you didn't think you could tell me immediatly. I understand why you felt that way, but I still don't like it.

Here's the difference between you and Ruby Oliver- that girl has shitty friends. In fact, I don't think you can be Ruby, because I am not Nora. I really do love you, and I would never ask you to change how you feel for my sake or for anyone's sake. I'd be there for you for anything, and I would take your side in any battle, even if you were wrong. And even if I was a miserable wreck over Paul right now, I would want you to be happy. Also, I can't play sports or bake and have no hooters to speak of. This analogy really doesn't work at all. Except for the sixteen and a half years of Noboyfriend, which does suck. Maybe you could hook me up with Zac...

You shouldn't let your family situation stop you from being happy about this. I know you're upset, and you have good reason to be, but let yourself enjoy this. Let him distract you. :)

And if you spend another second not being completely happy because you feel bad for me, then I really will hit you. You may not think that's a major threat, but all those weeks of Kenpo have made my right hook pretty excellent.

I suspect you held back last night, and if I'm right, then call me if you want and tell me everything. Repeat the entire two-hour conversation, or go into stupid teen romance novel detail (what kind of kiss? and how long? and where were the hands? and was your heart in your kneecaps? :] ), or just babble. Say whatever you want, because I swear that none of it will bother me.

I love you, and I promise that you'll never have to miss me. Meaning, of course, that you'll never have to miss talking to me, or miss our weird twin thing, or miss being my friend. You do have to miss me now. That's an order.

Caroline

I wish you were here. Cause I feel alone.

well, there's a ghost in this room

Yesterday was weird.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I realize that talking in a movie is rude and shouldn't and usually doesn't happen ("you are terrible!!"), but... that whole outing felt completely wrong. That isn't how things would usually be. Usually we would all talk to each other. Usually we would all greet each other, and say goodbye, at the very least. Usually we would find something to laugh about, even if it was stupid and ridiculous. Usually we'd all walk at the same speed, in that line that takes up half a hallway in the mall and annoys everyone around us. Usually, we'd stay together. We'd look like a gang. We would do something ridiculous. We wouldn't walk outside immediately unless there was a ride waiting for us- we would go to BAM or Claire's, or at least consider sticking around. Seeing a movie is, granted, not the funnest group outing ever, but when has it ever been that bad? And last week at the mall wasn't as bad, but it still wasn't the same.

I expected to cry during My Sister's Keeper, and I did. But here is something I never would have seen myself doing: sitting on the wall of paint samples at Home Depot, hearing Chloe say, "I thought things were going to just go back to normal, but they didn't, and I'm not sure they're going to. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. We were so weird just then... fake friends," and watching teardrops accumulate on a tiny paper sample of Sexy Pink. We just sat there, in Home Depot, surrounded by every color in the world, and discussed the most depressing thing I can possibly think of- the possibility that our friendship is completely falling apart.

In the last three years (we've been friends a lot longer, I know, but I always count eighth grade as the year that we really started), I've been through a lot of really horrible stuff. All of us have. I can't think of anyone of the seven of us who hasn't encountered tremendous pain and drama and heartbreak even this year. But through it all, I have always been able to say that I have the best friends and the best support system possible. You have been the silver lining that was present in every situation. I've been rejected, and scared, and angry, and hurt, and lost. But as long as we've been friends, I have never felt alone. I could write every sad thing that's ever happened to me (I won't, but I could) and not one of those stories would be complete without all of you. I'm not talking about pep talks or brownies or perfect words here. I'm talking about you being there. That's all I ever needed.

I could not cope with losing y'all. I couldn't handle anything if that happened. I don't expect any huge dramatic parting-of-the-ways, but things are not like they used to be. And I just want to know why. I'm so confused. I can't think of anything that could have possibly caused all this weirdness, especially in such a short amount of time. If I was looking at just you and me- which, until yesterday, I was - then at least I know why things aren't normal. I don't exactly understand, but at least there is a reason, something concrete, that I can blame it on. But I have no idea about everything else, unless our weirdness somehow threw off the dynamic of the entire group, which does not seem likely.

Chloe and I tried for hours last night to think of a reason, a trigger, a moment when things changed. We couldn't come up with anything. We have no idea why.

All I know is that I hate it. I hate feeling like we aren't what we used to be. I hate being scared that because I don't have texting right now, none of you are going to bother keeping in touch with me. I hate sitting in my room listening to the mix tape you made me for my birthday and looking at pictures and reading notes and getting teary, like I'm some idiotic movie character who just went through a bad break-up. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares. I hate not being able to say anything because it will only start a fight and make everything a million times worse. I hate crying in Home Depot. They sell hammers and saws at Home Depot. It is not a crying place.

Have you noticed any of this? Maybe I'm overreacting- if I didn't have Chloe to back me up, I would be sure that I was overreacting- but something is wrong. If you have noticed, any suggestions on what we can do to fix it? I'm baffled.

If you haven't noticed... things are worse than I thought.

Caroline

I think I'll name it after all of you.

I'll be out of my mind

I thought I'd post now because I'm pretty much content, and I figured I was due for a post in which I am not whining over the miserable state of my life. There is not much to be said. But I will rack my brain for some updates.


Oh, yes. On the miserable front, Quirky Apple the iPod has been stiefed! This makes me very distraught. It is my fault for leaving the poor guy all alone on the bleachers with my ravenous P.E. classmates, but the dratted mini skirt I was wearing provided no pocket room. I've learned from my mistake, so I guess I'll be playing four square with my purse on my arm from now on. Luckily, my mother is sympathetic and I am allowed to call the family iPod mostly my own until I can scrounge up the money for a replacement. Still, I am sad. It looks the same, but I miss the playlists that I never finished making, and the bat video, and whatnot.


But in happy musical news, my laptop is feeling very charitable this afternoon and it let me download the new owl city song, and it is LOVELY and just makes me smile. It belongs on the the Songs for Happy Dancing mix. Still waiting for the oppertune moment to ask about the concert, but I know it has to be soon. gah. I want to go so bad.

Oh, but I wanted to discuss an AMAZING discovery that we made on Friday. So me and Chloe went to Salvo, and dropped my application off at church, and then went to her house to hang out by the pool for a few hours, and all the while we were venting and feeling sad for ourselves/each other and developing escape plans and trying to make deals with Fate, and while this was all pretty entertaining and healthy and carthartic and whatnot, it was also kind of depressing. So we went upstairs to her room to look at something, and after we scanned all of the yearbooks she had for funny pictures, we found something infinitely better than yearbooks- PENCIL POWER.


If you forget/do not know what Pencil Power means, it was this book in elementary school that every student was forced to make a contribution to, so it is abundant with hilarious and in some cases humiliating drawings and stories created by people we know and love. The particular edition that Chloe still has is from second grade, so unfortunately there was nothing written/drawn by tiny Heather. But still, it was AMAZING. I know a picture is supposed to speak a thousand words, but in this case, that is not true. The hour spent reading these great little stories was one of the most side-splitting that I can remember. The funniest thing is how much everyone sounds like themselves. Well. That and the pure ridiculousness of it.


I really wanted to post my favorite stories up here, but unfortunately, I do not have Pencil Power anymore. I looked all about the house, and have so far had no luck in finding it. We will have to bring it out tomorrow after we become too raisin-like to swim anymore.


anyway, nothing more to report. Except, SCHOOL IS ALMOST OVER! I am thrilled and kind of sad at the same time. It will of course be quite a relief to not be dealing with essays, rubric-less projects, four square, mundane routine, freshmen, and et cetera, but I will miss seeing certain people. One of the upsides to BEACH is that I'll still get to spend every day with Allison(maybe, depending on the jaw issue), and Chloe, and Danielle, and the always amazing Blake, and occasionally see drama club people like Karli and Katlyn and Cami. And perhaps the swamp fox thing will actually happen. I hope so, because I miss theater, and November is a long time away.


Right. This is all, so I will leave you with a couple of images.

The new golf cart/Caroline's first car. It's great, isn't it? Grace and Jamie are insisting upon a makeover, but I love it just as is. Grass interior carpet, electric blue paint job, seahorse upholstery, picnic blanket ceiling and all. Once it's fixed, I think I will start going on leisurely drives about the neighborhood, just to see what kind of looks I get. :)

Me, Heather and Danielle's fabulous symbiosis hanging model, Mr. Hippo the rhinoceros with Squirrel the bird. I had little to do with its construction, because I am artistically challenged and therefore was given the job of Research Girl. But hey, it turned out amazing, so I won't complain.

That'll be all.

love you, miss you.

Caroline

and you'll be out of ideas pretty soon.

masterpiece

I drew this at three am on Wedesday while waiting for CDs to burn. I think I hate Christmas.

happy birthday, darling

yeah, okay, i took heather's title, but I was planning on that title for a week. And I couldn't think of another one. I fail. Sorry, Heather. I'm trying to come up with the perfect words, but I can't. You're the one that's good at that. I haven't read Heather's blog yet but I'm sure I'm just repeating everything she said in words that aren't as pretty (which would be why i haven't read it yet). But I'm trying. So here goes.

Emilea, you are probably the kindest person I know. You are so great and wonderful and just so nice. And it's funny, because you are hundreds of miles away, but it doesn't feel like it. You are so there for me in spirit that the gap is bridged. I think that you're a better friend to me than almost anyone who is here all the time. I'm so lucky that I met you two years ago, because without you it would have been way harder (way impossible) for me to get through any of the tiny obstacles of the past year and a half. It doesn't matter what kind of psychotic email or blog post I throw at you- you've always got the perfect words to make me laugh or smile or stop hurting or slap myself and grow up and deal, even if they are Chris Martin's and not yours. And you do tell me to grow up and deal, in kinder words, which is important. So many people will just give you a hug and a pity party, and that's nice, but it takes a real friend and a strong person to tell you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on.

Also, you're just an incredible person in general. You are strong and beautiful and a genius and funny and one of the best writers I've ever met. I seriously wish I had your poise and your confidence and your talent and.... you just rock. You just do. You rofl my waffles. I love you so, so, so, so, so much. And even if I wrote this blog for hours and hours I don't have, I couldn't possibly communicate how much.

And if I get into Governor's School, being your adopted sister will be one of the best things about it.

Have a wonderaculous and beautiful and awesome birthday.
Something fantastic coming your way as soon as I can work out the details.

Love, Caroline

we love you very very very very very very very much.

thank you for being so cool and so awesome

So. Happy Thanksgiving. I haven't eaten just yet, but there's only about ten minutes or so to go, and I am the best kind of hungry- it's that feeling that comes just when you haven't eaten in a really long time but you know that you're about to have something wonderful. You know? You only get it about special stuff. Or I do. I mean. I'm doing that Holden Caulfield thing that John Green talks about, saying things in second person when I mean them in first.

I was going to write a list of everything I'm thankful for but I didn't know where to start and I wouldn't know where to end.

I'm thankful for the coffee I had this morning. I'm thankful that my dad always picks me for his team in Annual Family Football even though I'm the worst, and that I played without sustaining any major injuries. I'm thankful that the book I ordered on Amazon came yesterday, and I'm thankful that it was amazing, and I'm thankful for writers who make me laugh at them by making mention of cheekbones. I'm thankful for books in general. I'm thankful for inside jokes and for laughing and for free days at school where you just sit around with your friends and make fun of people and crack up and build Jefferson Aeroplanes. I'm thankful for the phone conversation I just had with Anna about kicking people and telemarketers and tomorrow. I'm thankful that tomorrow is finally almost here. I am thankful for babysitting jobs and nail polish and funny tee-shirts and calm tea and memories and email and good movies. I'm thankful for the curls that are gradually coming back to my hair, and I'm thankful I'm alive.

I'm mostly thankful that I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. Including the three of you. And I want to tell everyone again how much I love them and exactly why, but that would take days and we're about to have dinner.

But one of you will be hearing a bit about how much I love them and exactly why soon, as it is one of your birthdays tomorrow. (so keep checking the blog, emilea).

I'll see the other two of you tomorrow.
and God, I'm so thankful for that.

love love love love love love love love love love love
and love,
caroline

yeah, thank you for being so neato.