for what it's worth, darling dear

Note to Anna and Emilea, who I miss so much it's a pain in all of my interior organs- this post is all for Heather (which is the case a lot, I know, and I'm sorry). I hate to even put it on the blog, but I had too much to say for a comment, and I am completely sick of emailing about this. That's not to say that you can't read, just that you'll probably be bored.

Anyway.

Note to Heather before I start- please don't worry. I won't make you cry.

Remember the first time we broke the rules, when you were at my house? You told me that he knew you liked him, and I said something along the lines of, "I could never hate you for anything that stupid. If you're happy, then I'll be happy for you... no matter what."

I'm sorry. Because that was a lie. Or at least, I thought it was. I fully intended to try to be happy, or at the very least, pretend to be happy. But I wasn't sure I could be happy for real, no matter how badly I wanted to be.

And yes, there have been moments this summer when I hated you. Or maybe not you exactly, but the situation. I hated that he obviously liked you, I hated that you wouldn't talk to me, I hated feeling like we'd grown apart, I hated not being invited to things, I hated comparing myself to you constantly and being so angry that I quite obviously fell miles short, I hated that making it through a day without crying had, at one point, become an accomplishment.

And yes, I cried my eyes out on Sunday night. I screamed. I ran. I professed deep loathing for both of you, even though I don't hate you or Paul in the slightest. I didn't consider taking Gretchen up on her drug offer, but I did kind of wish that I was the sort of person who would consider it. I spent about hours lying on her freezing cold living room floor, long after I had told her I was okay, just crying and wondering and feeling like an idiot. A question that I didn't ask you, but that I spent a disgusting amount of time thinking: what the hell is so wrong with me that it takes a guy one day to figure out that he doesn't like me?

But you know what's weird? In those hours when I was talking to Gretchen, and the time afterward, there was one person who I wanted with me. I missed you so much that night, which didn't make any sense because I simultaneously wanted to hit you (I missed you a lot more than I wanted to hit you, but the wanting to hit you was still there). I wished I was home, and we were just sitting at one of our houses and talking for hours, because I knew that would make me feel better. You've always been the one who could actually help me. Kristin is an unbelievably amazing person who made me feel infinitely better the next day, despite the fact that she's much closer to you, and Gretchen at least tried, and Courtney did what she could over text. None of them are you, though, and that's why I wanted to talk to you so badly- not because of anything I really had to say, just because I needed you.

To get to the point of this post, though, here's something you might not know about the nature of me-when-I-like-someone. I will like someone forever(or what seems like it) but if I have a good reason to stop, then I do. Not because I'm trying to. It just happens naturally. Did I continue to like Hudson after I was very publically rejected at sixth grade field day? Um, no. Definitely not. Or Kenny after he turned out to be gay? Hell, no. Or William, after- well, actually, the far from amazing kissing was the beginning of the end for him, but officially let's say I stopped after he turned out to be a complete asshole.

And do I like Paul, now that he is for all intents and purposes- if not officially, because I'm not clear on that - dating my best friend in the world?

No. I don't.

When you told me about kissing him last night, my first and only reaction was to be happy for you. If you need evidence, read the rest of this post- I've been painfully honest, so I think you can believe me when I say that I'd tell you if this were not the case. I went to dinner and the only thing that I was upset at you for was waiting until the last minute and thereby denying me of my privilege and duty as your Best Friend In The World (that title has seemed so shaky this summer, so I'm just happy that I can finally say it again and not be scared that you'll contradict me) to know every detail, to hear you be girly and ridiculous and everything that comes along with this. And the only thing that hurts now is the fact that you didn't think you could tell me immediatly. I understand why you felt that way, but I still don't like it.

Here's the difference between you and Ruby Oliver- that girl has shitty friends. In fact, I don't think you can be Ruby, because I am not Nora. I really do love you, and I would never ask you to change how you feel for my sake or for anyone's sake. I'd be there for you for anything, and I would take your side in any battle, even if you were wrong. And even if I was a miserable wreck over Paul right now, I would want you to be happy. Also, I can't play sports or bake and have no hooters to speak of. This analogy really doesn't work at all. Except for the sixteen and a half years of Noboyfriend, which does suck. Maybe you could hook me up with Zac...

You shouldn't let your family situation stop you from being happy about this. I know you're upset, and you have good reason to be, but let yourself enjoy this. Let him distract you. :)

And if you spend another second not being completely happy because you feel bad for me, then I really will hit you. You may not think that's a major threat, but all those weeks of Kenpo have made my right hook pretty excellent.

I suspect you held back last night, and if I'm right, then call me if you want and tell me everything. Repeat the entire two-hour conversation, or go into stupid teen romance novel detail (what kind of kiss? and how long? and where were the hands? and was your heart in your kneecaps? :] ), or just babble. Say whatever you want, because I swear that none of it will bother me.

I love you, and I promise that you'll never have to miss me. Meaning, of course, that you'll never have to miss talking to me, or miss our weird twin thing, or miss being my friend. You do have to miss me now. That's an order.

Caroline

I wish you were here. Cause I feel alone.

thank you for being so cool and so awesome

So. Happy Thanksgiving. I haven't eaten just yet, but there's only about ten minutes or so to go, and I am the best kind of hungry- it's that feeling that comes just when you haven't eaten in a really long time but you know that you're about to have something wonderful. You know? You only get it about special stuff. Or I do. I mean. I'm doing that Holden Caulfield thing that John Green talks about, saying things in second person when I mean them in first.

I was going to write a list of everything I'm thankful for but I didn't know where to start and I wouldn't know where to end.

I'm thankful for the coffee I had this morning. I'm thankful that my dad always picks me for his team in Annual Family Football even though I'm the worst, and that I played without sustaining any major injuries. I'm thankful that the book I ordered on Amazon came yesterday, and I'm thankful that it was amazing, and I'm thankful for writers who make me laugh at them by making mention of cheekbones. I'm thankful for books in general. I'm thankful for inside jokes and for laughing and for free days at school where you just sit around with your friends and make fun of people and crack up and build Jefferson Aeroplanes. I'm thankful for the phone conversation I just had with Anna about kicking people and telemarketers and tomorrow. I'm thankful that tomorrow is finally almost here. I am thankful for babysitting jobs and nail polish and funny tee-shirts and calm tea and memories and email and good movies. I'm thankful for the curls that are gradually coming back to my hair, and I'm thankful I'm alive.

I'm mostly thankful that I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. Including the three of you. And I want to tell everyone again how much I love them and exactly why, but that would take days and we're about to have dinner.

But one of you will be hearing a bit about how much I love them and exactly why soon, as it is one of your birthdays tomorrow. (so keep checking the blog, emilea).

I'll see the other two of you tomorrow.
and God, I'm so thankful for that.

love love love love love love love love love love love
and love,
caroline

yeah, thank you for being so neato.

only me when I'm with you.

OH my god, you have no idea how horrible school is without you. (I guess you wouldn't, would you?). It was bad. It was awful. I kept casting depressed glances towards the perpetual empty seats where you would have been and then Danielle kept catching me and thinking I was crazy and then at lunch Chloe said something about how she was sad you weren't there and I went into this whole completely overly dramatic monologue and then Courtney came up and she only had to catch three words to be like, *knowing look* "Oh yeah, Heather isn't here."



So basically the day was dreadful. Not exclusively because you weren't there, but that was a very large factor.



Oh! But the silver lining of your absence? Mr. Noll. Reading your part. And, therefore... SINGING.



I hate writing girly poetry. (such as the absolute crap on Don't Fret. I really need someone to post so that that isn't the only thing I see whenver I go there. Because it is bad. This is not me just being my usual self-deprecating self. That poem is BAAAAAD).Why does that always happen? Why do our brains conspire against us to make us all stupid and lame and cliche and pink?

I didn't notice about the ceasing of distractions, mostly because- I don't know. I knew pretty much nothing about the distraction. I got the story from Courtney. All she told me was "He likes her she might like him it's cute". Was there anything more to it than that? The one time I witnessed anything firsthand, it didn't seem ceased. (I mean, Allison picked up on it within ten minutes, and she knew nothing about the whole thing). I would kind of like to hear about all of this from your perspective, sometime, if you wouldn't mind talking about it. I've been kind of lost and out of the loop.

On Arizona: WOW, that is a wide range of wardrobe (a bathing suit and ski-ing clothes? oh. wait. yeah, i just remembered the existence of indoor pools about three seconds ago. I apologize). Also. I really hope it's great. Or at least good. Or at least as good as it can be. I know this all must be so insane and so hard and I don't think it really seems like you had that much of a choice about going. I hope you get a cell phone and if you do I will definitely be putting minutes on mine so that I can be really annoying (as I imagine I am being now. I'm reading this post and I'm not liking me very much) and text you all the time to make sure you're fine.



To segue from worrying about you to worrying about me



I'm worried about me.

I don't think I'm doing very well in the mental health department.

Particularily in thinking about (and having suckish dreams about) people (ah, person) who I hate and don't want to think about and god forbid dream about ever. I really wish I could obliterate him from the face of the planet but just from my head would be okay too.



Also, got my reccomendation letter (because there was a letter attatched, actually) back. Mrs. Riley is my favorite person in the whole entire universe, by the way. It's so incredibly nice that even if my portfolio sucks and I bomb my interview and my essay never even materializes, they might just let me in anyway because they assumed I was having a really long series of off-days. (or, you know, launch an investigation to make sure I didn't write the thing myself).



Also, I'm going to All State tomorrow. All State Chorus, for Emilea/Anna, in case you haven't stopped reading this post after the first two paragraphs because I made no effort to include you in half (or more?) of the post. Basically I have to sing this song that I keep failing at and then sight read. For judges. I'm so nervous it's not even funny. It makes it so much worse that Mrs. Young didn't want me to go. I'll probably have a break down at some point tomorrow on the bus.



And speaking of, I need to go find my 'sunday best' (ack) outfit for the tryouts.

So



I love you

Caroline

and it's funny how you find you enjoy your life...

when you're happy to be alive.

As I was last night times 716! I know that having two Relient K lyric-titles in a row might be overkill. But I don't care. I will pick another band to exploit once my post-concert euphoria wears a little.

So! hehe. I get to tell you (emilea, anna, whoever else) this story because Heather is probably still asleeping:

We pull into the House Of Blues (after, you know, danielle's mom gets lost) about an hour and a half early, into the side parking lot (a brilliant suggestion on Heather's part), and, across the almost deserted lot, standing in the middle of a grassy area, in all of his adorable awkward tufty haired beauty... IS MATTHEW THIESSEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we, of course, are freaking out and screaming. So at first when we park we were kind of shell-shocked and didn't really do anything but tell Danielle to turn the music up. and then we screamed, "MATT!!" but the doors were closed and he didn't hear us so then we had gained enough sense of logic to get out of the car and we opened all of the doors and Devestation and Reform was on and we turned it up reallly, really, really loud...
and then, Thiessen LOOKED RIGHT AT US...

AND STARTED AIR-GUITARING THE SONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ahaahhahahahahhahahahahahaa
aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhahahah!!!!

and the concert was so good. the opening bands were awesome. (the first one, House of Heroes, was from our non-island, which was exciting to hear). And I'm definitely going to be buying some stuff from This Providence. And Ludo, but I had decided that before the concert.

and relient k... they were indescribly awesome. God, it was so fun. I was bursting with pure joy the entire time they were playing. ah.

Also, I bought a Relient K tee shirt that was covered in... exploding pens. I kid you not.

Gaah.
*happiness*

I love you all.
Caroline

sit back, relax...

and enjoy the new blog. I wanted to make it super-prettiful but for some reason Blogger wouldn't let me use any of the Pyzam layouts. I was furious. You'll have to help me with that, please.

I don't have so much to say on this first post, which I really wanted to be shiny and spectacular and lovely. It's not, but I needed to get this first post over with. It's like tearing off a band-aid.

So, I pose a few heather-directed questions:

question a) do you think that natasha or ... anyone you know who isn't a teenager could drive us to relient k? (If, that is, your mom answers you on time). B/C my mom said that I could go but they're apparently having jamie's birthday party that weekend and she won't let me buy the ticket unless we've got a ride. aaaccckkk.

question b) what are you writing on your last samurai essay? b/c I have nothing to say whatsoever. (except, of course, that tom cruise fails at life).

question c) okay, there is no question c, but i said a few, and as us particular people maintain, two is only a couple. So... insert your own question and answer it.

and an Anna related question:

WHERE ARE YOU????

and a world-directed question:

WHY IS NO ONE BLOGGING????

and an emilea-directed apology:

ack I am so sorry that i haven't commented on your essay. i will. i swear. i'm just slow. :/.

and an emilea/heather directed re-comment:
you two are amazing. seriously. like, nothing about this weekend made me cry... except for your comments. i feel like crap, but i remember them and i feel so, so, so lucky.i printed them out so that i'll have them when i forget.


finally, tons and tons and buckets of heather/emilea/anna directed love:

Caroline

sit back, relapse again