and when i'm done, i feel like talking

Posting mostly because there's nothing else for me to do.

Friday is taking too long.

Cantored today. Totally didn't know one of the songs at all even a little bit.

Something I hate: when you totally botch something up and it's terrible and you know that it's really bad and you're not even being you're usual self-deprecating self you just know that you suck and seventeen nice old ladies come up to you after church and put on their big fake old lady smiles and say you did such a wonderful job.

Something I love: when you totally botch something up and you're ready to go home and you feel like a big huge screw-up and like you can't do anything right and then you have to go shake hands with the alter servers and this little seven-year-old who you don't even know except that his mom taught you in sunday school and your mom taught him takes your hand and smiles and says, "You're doing great," and means it.

Maybe I'm a cynical brat and there isn't any difference but it seems like there was.

I don't want to write my term paper at all.

But I did watch Emma on Friday and it's lovely. But I hope that if by some crazy and slim chance I get Emma Mrs. Riley is feeling a little less racy than whoever directed the movie because AAAAAHHH that is NOT Victorian-England-1816 kissing. I mean, I know Mrs. Riley said "emma and mr. knightley make out onstage" but I thought she was trying to be funny/scare us. I didn't think she actually meant Mr. Knightly and Emma MAKE OUT. (ahem, three times). Gah. Actually, I hope this whoever is Emma/Mr.Knightly because I do not want to see that between anybody in Drama club. I mean, it's not actually gross when it's Gwenyth Paltrow (by the way, Grace said that you should be Emma because you look exactly like her) and Jeremy Northam (not Colin Firth. I don't know why I thought it was Colin Firth), but thinking about anyone in Drama club behaving in such a manner onstage frankly acks me out.
(also, if Kaitlin got Emma which I can kind of see happening, Zac would be very unhappy indeed).

I miss my old blog. I was looking at it yesterday- reading all of my old posts. I miss it. I miss the pretty layout that we picked at your house at three in the morning. I miss the crazy list. I miss... ack. I tried to make this one pretty yesterday also but blogger wouldn't let me and it makes me sad.

Anyway. That's all from me. This post is useless but then... so am i.

Love,
Caroline

without you here, there is less to say.

memoirs of an aspiring amnesiac

right so i'm blogging again though i have nothing really to blog about.



i just think that i need to fill up space here. it's too empty. it's too different. i need it to feel natural. i need to be able to look at it without remembering it's purpose. i need...


ack.


i need to forget, is all i need.

i need something to get all of this crap out of my head. or at least push it further backwards. because i don't want it there. i don't want to think about this. and i'm sitting here breaking promises to myself with these stupid stupid words and all i want is to STOP.

or maybe fast-forward a bit.


i was just watching How To Deal, which, for those not aware, is teen romance comedy angst movie at it's very best (if we're not counting John Hughes, at least). it's also loosely sarah dessen (someone like you/that summer) only Macon is not a jerk in the movie.


and i was sitting there and there's this stupid montage that is so incredibly lame and silly and it's like mandy moore and trent ford are running around and eating french fries and climbing on things and driving around and laughing and chasing each other and going to see star wars movie marathons, and for god sakes he is throwing rocks at her window, and all the time they are playing that incredibly cheesy and ridiculous song by Liz Phair, you know, the why can't i breathe, whenever i think about you... song that they play in all of these movies and it's all so dumb and it makes me want to cry because i don't think i'll ever have that.

ack! ack! ack! ack! ack! ack! ackackackackack!

MOVING ON.

---Grace and Jamie just dismantled an entire shelf from their wall (you know, the huge fancy one where they keep their seventeen books and various other, heavier belongings), carried it out of their room, and put it in my closet. Yes. An entire bookshelf, completely full, in my heinously filthy closet. I don't even know how they lifted it. It must have weighed over a hundred pounds. My mom and dad are about ready to kill them. On the upside, they have to do the dishes for me.

---We have a dog for the week and my mother, who is completely dead-set against actually owning a dog, is totally obsessed with it. She dotes on her like, twenty four hours a day. She runs around squealing it's name, singing little songs about it (this isn't weird for her because she does this about me and grace and jamie all the time, but i mean, blondie is a dog). And then today she got pissed at my dad for yelling at the dog after the dog tore up/ate the book that he's reading. The dog is pretty cute but it pretty much ignores me. It's a yellow lab, though, not really the kind of dog that I want. I know they're supposed to be somewhat perfect, but I'd rather have one of those pesky hyper jumpy dogs that aren't tiny-tiny but aren't big either - like a whitie or a yorkie. Or a mutt.

---I HAVE GEORGE SINGLETON BOOK!!!
I haven't read it yet but it looks amazing. It is so pretty and it has a nice cover which signifies that he is not a loser low-budget local author with a crappy cover (not that i am a snob, or anything...). Yeah. These People Are Us. It looks awesome. I love My Sister's Books.

---I don't have to go to sunday school tomorrow... OR EVER AGAIN! YES! That is right! No more incompetent and frustrating teachers! No more stupid preppy kids who I hate! No more watching Marissa and Savannah match! No more arguing with Cam because I have no one else to talk to! NO MORE TOUCHING-SAFETY VIDEOS!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong. I don't mind going to church. I actually like church most of the time. But sunday school? It sucks. It always sucks.

A Tiny List: Worst Two Moments of Sunday School Ever In The Life of Me.

• Kindergarten. My sixth birthday. We were discussing the sacraments. More specifically, we were discussing marriage. And there was a *cringe* example wedding ceremony. And since it was my birthday, I was granted the massive, joyous privilege of being... the bride. And the groom... luckily, this was at another church up in myrtle beach so I don't know this boy now, but he was gross. he was totally the cootie-having type. and since his birthday was closest out of the boys... ackackackackack. cringe. i hate sunday school. So if we are being technical, my first kiss took place in front of a group of my fellow five-year-old sunday schoolers with some kid who had cooties. yeah. ack.
• Sixth or Seventh grade. Not my birthday. Since we were old and mature, we were not discussing the sacraments... we were discussing the Ten Commandments, more specifically, Thou shalt not commit adultery. And so we're reading this book and the book and the teacher are like 'okay so don't have sex before you're married' and i'm like (in my head), 'good, sure, wasn't planning on it, moving on', and then the book and the teacher are like, 'also, we don't approve of birth control' and i'm like(unfortunately, this time, out loud) 'whoa, wait, WHAT??? BUT WHY??? THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!'. Yeah. I was kind of the black sheep of seventh grade sunday school for awhile.

Anyway. The reward for ten years of gruesome moments such as those? On October 19, I am officially a Catholic grown-up. And I get all these cool spirit gifts.* And... I GET A PARTY!! That's right. And you are invited! It is a joint party with Ashlee but it's at my house. Come. There will be food, drink, merriment. Also, presents. This party is my only shot at being able to pay for disney world.

--- It's your birthday. :)

I hope it's been amazing. Because YOU are amazing. And no one deserves amazingness as much as you do, especially on their birthdays.

love, love, love to all of you

Caroline

*Okay, I know I must sound very callous and sacreligious and whatnot up here, so just to clarify: I really am excited about the actual confirming part of confirmation. Like, it's kind of a huge deal to me. I just don't know how to convey that without sounding cheesy and lame, so I go with lighthearted amusement. It's a defense mechanism. Anyway. I don't know why I needed this little footnote here. Because I'm ridiculous. But... yeah. it's here. done typing now.