well, there's a ghost in this room

Yesterday was weird.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I realize that talking in a movie is rude and shouldn't and usually doesn't happen ("you are terrible!!"), but... that whole outing felt completely wrong. That isn't how things would usually be. Usually we would all talk to each other. Usually we would all greet each other, and say goodbye, at the very least. Usually we would find something to laugh about, even if it was stupid and ridiculous. Usually we'd all walk at the same speed, in that line that takes up half a hallway in the mall and annoys everyone around us. Usually, we'd stay together. We'd look like a gang. We would do something ridiculous. We wouldn't walk outside immediately unless there was a ride waiting for us- we would go to BAM or Claire's, or at least consider sticking around. Seeing a movie is, granted, not the funnest group outing ever, but when has it ever been that bad? And last week at the mall wasn't as bad, but it still wasn't the same.

I expected to cry during My Sister's Keeper, and I did. But here is something I never would have seen myself doing: sitting on the wall of paint samples at Home Depot, hearing Chloe say, "I thought things were going to just go back to normal, but they didn't, and I'm not sure they're going to. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. We were so weird just then... fake friends," and watching teardrops accumulate on a tiny paper sample of Sexy Pink. We just sat there, in Home Depot, surrounded by every color in the world, and discussed the most depressing thing I can possibly think of- the possibility that our friendship is completely falling apart.

In the last three years (we've been friends a lot longer, I know, but I always count eighth grade as the year that we really started), I've been through a lot of really horrible stuff. All of us have. I can't think of anyone of the seven of us who hasn't encountered tremendous pain and drama and heartbreak even this year. But through it all, I have always been able to say that I have the best friends and the best support system possible. You have been the silver lining that was present in every situation. I've been rejected, and scared, and angry, and hurt, and lost. But as long as we've been friends, I have never felt alone. I could write every sad thing that's ever happened to me (I won't, but I could) and not one of those stories would be complete without all of you. I'm not talking about pep talks or brownies or perfect words here. I'm talking about you being there. That's all I ever needed.

I could not cope with losing y'all. I couldn't handle anything if that happened. I don't expect any huge dramatic parting-of-the-ways, but things are not like they used to be. And I just want to know why. I'm so confused. I can't think of anything that could have possibly caused all this weirdness, especially in such a short amount of time. If I was looking at just you and me- which, until yesterday, I was - then at least I know why things aren't normal. I don't exactly understand, but at least there is a reason, something concrete, that I can blame it on. But I have no idea about everything else, unless our weirdness somehow threw off the dynamic of the entire group, which does not seem likely.

Chloe and I tried for hours last night to think of a reason, a trigger, a moment when things changed. We couldn't come up with anything. We have no idea why.

All I know is that I hate it. I hate feeling like we aren't what we used to be. I hate being scared that because I don't have texting right now, none of you are going to bother keeping in touch with me. I hate sitting in my room listening to the mix tape you made me for my birthday and looking at pictures and reading notes and getting teary, like I'm some idiotic movie character who just went through a bad break-up. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares. I hate not being able to say anything because it will only start a fight and make everything a million times worse. I hate crying in Home Depot. They sell hammers and saws at Home Depot. It is not a crying place.

Have you noticed any of this? Maybe I'm overreacting- if I didn't have Chloe to back me up, I would be sure that I was overreacting- but something is wrong. If you have noticed, any suggestions on what we can do to fix it? I'm baffled.

If you haven't noticed... things are worse than I thought.

Caroline

I think I'll name it after all of you.

and i'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes

So, you may have possibly noticed that it looks a little bit different around here.

BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT A TEMPLATE TO WORK.

Of course, I haven't tried to get a template to work in months, but I have tried now, and therefore life on the blog is at least a little bit more technicolor than before. The main reason for the change?

I need one. I feel like I'm at a standstill. It's like when I am at the beach, standing right by the water, and I sort of dig my toes into the wet sand, and then my feet get swallowed and I'm in to my ankles in sand and I can't move and I start to panic and I yank my feet out. And I trip and fall. This is a really pretentious simile/metaphor/whatever, but that does happen to me and it does feel like this. I am stuck.

And this has a lot to do with the fact that I'm not going anywhere next year, I guess.

Which I am totally being ridiculous about.

I don't want to mope around. I don't want to be sad. I don't want everyone around me to think I'm miserable, because who wants to be around a miserable person? But I don't think it's working. I've been in a bad mood for almost a month. I cried over my stolen coffee thermos yesterday. I am mean to people without trying to be. I'm a grumpy angsty emo kid, and I hate practically everyone around me half the time and I hate myself always.

So obviously, something has to change. I keep wishing that I had the kind of hair you could chop off, or the kind of money to buy a completely different wardrobe. I feel like if I look different, or if my surroundings are different, then I will have to be.

Anyway, that's the explanation for the new appearance. I wanted to paint the walls in my room, but I settled for painting these (in a more literal way than expected...).

I think I'll play around with it until I start to feel a difference.

Love you,
Caroline.

PS: have fun reuniting tomorrow, anna and emilea. i wish i could be there.

for the band

CREATE YOUR BAND NAME & ALBUM COVER:

To Do This

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:RandomThe first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7daysThird picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photobucket or similar to put it all together.

------------------

I saw this yesterday when I went on facebook for my weekly day off of lent, and I think it's one of the more awesome memes out there. I actually like how it turned out, especially that there happens to be a tree in the background of the picture. (I couldn't get the text to show up right so if you can't read it, the band name is 'striped treeshrew' and the album title is 'resist on principle). So yeah. Do this when you get bored, because it's a pretty fun method of procrasination.

About five minutes ago, I deleted A Great Perhaps. It's gone. It no longer exists. I know I wanted to keep it up there forever, with that one last post, all poignant (mamie) and angry and heartbreaking(lyhilarious), but Grace somehow got to it and said something about it. Luckily she thought it was fiction and just kind of scolded me for cursing, but if Grace found it then my mother could probably find it, and I don't want that. Plus, as much as I wanted that post up there, it made me sick to look at. And whenever I saw the blog name, or whenever I tried to be nostalgic and look at that blog and what it was, I couldn't read it the right way. It ceased to be funny or warm or lovely or whatever it was that I liked about it. The only thing I could think on every page was he read this. He knew this. Looking at it meant facing up to the fact that he knew so much, so many things that I never would have told him, so many things that I never even told people who I'd trust with my life. Which made me feel vulnerable and stupid and more angry. I'm hoping that deleting that will make it harder for me to dwell on what happened. I hate dwelling.

Anyway, to finally reach the major reason I started this post- we're having a poetry contest at school and I might write something new (I miss writing poetry) but I want to have at least one already written poem that I'm comfortable submitting. And, as I am once again in the perpetual night(s and nights and nights) of the I suck abyss, I have no idea what I can pick. So. If any of you can remember a poem that I wrote and they liked in particular, let me know. *hopeful face*

love,
Caroline

she sat me down and said to me, "i'm afraid you've misplaced your identity..."

masterpiece

I drew this at three am on Wedesday while waiting for CDs to burn. I think I hate Christmas.

'chilling'?

what is it? what does it mean? like, when someone says, i'm chilling, what are they doing? Are they reading? Are they watching TV? Are they listening to music? Are they doing their geometry homework and therefore thinking about geometry and, by association, thinking about Cappola's class and pondering the cold and then actually starting to go mad and feeling the cold.

this might seem random, but i was just on facebook and the word chilling was featured in no less than three people's statuses. ack. lame phrase. drives caroline crazy.

(er).

Tomorrow is the talent show.
cool. all right. cool cool. all right. cool. all-

IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.

It really isn't.

In addition to the routine forms of chorus-related torture (which is honestly bad enough), I am in a skit for drama. It's an (uber ridiculous) interpretation of Cyrano de Bougerac. An extremely loose interpretation. I'm playing Melora La Bloom, who basically sucks. I hate her. She's a celebrity. And besides being full of herself and annoying and horrible and saying sucky things, she is required to wear a floor-length prom dress in the most hideous shade of pink known to woman and covered in glitter. Also, she makes her enterance to a song from High School Musical.

And then, when I'm done, I'm sticking around to hear the bands (which are the only reason anyone who isn't forced by Mrs. Young goes to talent show) but before that I have to listen to another High School Musical song. And then one from Camp Rock.

Our completely Disney-run society sickens and alarms me. Ack.

rants over.

love and love and love
Caroline

PS:
TELL ME WHAT'S DISTRACTING YOU.
please?

memoirs of an aspiring amnesiac

right so i'm blogging again though i have nothing really to blog about.



i just think that i need to fill up space here. it's too empty. it's too different. i need it to feel natural. i need to be able to look at it without remembering it's purpose. i need...


ack.


i need to forget, is all i need.

i need something to get all of this crap out of my head. or at least push it further backwards. because i don't want it there. i don't want to think about this. and i'm sitting here breaking promises to myself with these stupid stupid words and all i want is to STOP.

or maybe fast-forward a bit.


i was just watching How To Deal, which, for those not aware, is teen romance comedy angst movie at it's very best (if we're not counting John Hughes, at least). it's also loosely sarah dessen (someone like you/that summer) only Macon is not a jerk in the movie.


and i was sitting there and there's this stupid montage that is so incredibly lame and silly and it's like mandy moore and trent ford are running around and eating french fries and climbing on things and driving around and laughing and chasing each other and going to see star wars movie marathons, and for god sakes he is throwing rocks at her window, and all the time they are playing that incredibly cheesy and ridiculous song by Liz Phair, you know, the why can't i breathe, whenever i think about you... song that they play in all of these movies and it's all so dumb and it makes me want to cry because i don't think i'll ever have that.

ack! ack! ack! ack! ack! ack! ackackackackack!

MOVING ON.

---Grace and Jamie just dismantled an entire shelf from their wall (you know, the huge fancy one where they keep their seventeen books and various other, heavier belongings), carried it out of their room, and put it in my closet. Yes. An entire bookshelf, completely full, in my heinously filthy closet. I don't even know how they lifted it. It must have weighed over a hundred pounds. My mom and dad are about ready to kill them. On the upside, they have to do the dishes for me.

---We have a dog for the week and my mother, who is completely dead-set against actually owning a dog, is totally obsessed with it. She dotes on her like, twenty four hours a day. She runs around squealing it's name, singing little songs about it (this isn't weird for her because she does this about me and grace and jamie all the time, but i mean, blondie is a dog). And then today she got pissed at my dad for yelling at the dog after the dog tore up/ate the book that he's reading. The dog is pretty cute but it pretty much ignores me. It's a yellow lab, though, not really the kind of dog that I want. I know they're supposed to be somewhat perfect, but I'd rather have one of those pesky hyper jumpy dogs that aren't tiny-tiny but aren't big either - like a whitie or a yorkie. Or a mutt.

---I HAVE GEORGE SINGLETON BOOK!!!
I haven't read it yet but it looks amazing. It is so pretty and it has a nice cover which signifies that he is not a loser low-budget local author with a crappy cover (not that i am a snob, or anything...). Yeah. These People Are Us. It looks awesome. I love My Sister's Books.

---I don't have to go to sunday school tomorrow... OR EVER AGAIN! YES! That is right! No more incompetent and frustrating teachers! No more stupid preppy kids who I hate! No more watching Marissa and Savannah match! No more arguing with Cam because I have no one else to talk to! NO MORE TOUCHING-SAFETY VIDEOS!!!!!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong. I don't mind going to church. I actually like church most of the time. But sunday school? It sucks. It always sucks.

A Tiny List: Worst Two Moments of Sunday School Ever In The Life of Me.

• Kindergarten. My sixth birthday. We were discussing the sacraments. More specifically, we were discussing marriage. And there was a *cringe* example wedding ceremony. And since it was my birthday, I was granted the massive, joyous privilege of being... the bride. And the groom... luckily, this was at another church up in myrtle beach so I don't know this boy now, but he was gross. he was totally the cootie-having type. and since his birthday was closest out of the boys... ackackackackack. cringe. i hate sunday school. So if we are being technical, my first kiss took place in front of a group of my fellow five-year-old sunday schoolers with some kid who had cooties. yeah. ack.
• Sixth or Seventh grade. Not my birthday. Since we were old and mature, we were not discussing the sacraments... we were discussing the Ten Commandments, more specifically, Thou shalt not commit adultery. And so we're reading this book and the book and the teacher are like 'okay so don't have sex before you're married' and i'm like (in my head), 'good, sure, wasn't planning on it, moving on', and then the book and the teacher are like, 'also, we don't approve of birth control' and i'm like(unfortunately, this time, out loud) 'whoa, wait, WHAT??? BUT WHY??? THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD!!'. Yeah. I was kind of the black sheep of seventh grade sunday school for awhile.

Anyway. The reward for ten years of gruesome moments such as those? On October 19, I am officially a Catholic grown-up. And I get all these cool spirit gifts.* And... I GET A PARTY!! That's right. And you are invited! It is a joint party with Ashlee but it's at my house. Come. There will be food, drink, merriment. Also, presents. This party is my only shot at being able to pay for disney world.

--- It's your birthday. :)

I hope it's been amazing. Because YOU are amazing. And no one deserves amazingness as much as you do, especially on their birthdays.

love, love, love to all of you

Caroline

*Okay, I know I must sound very callous and sacreligious and whatnot up here, so just to clarify: I really am excited about the actual confirming part of confirmation. Like, it's kind of a huge deal to me. I just don't know how to convey that without sounding cheesy and lame, so I go with lighthearted amusement. It's a defense mechanism. Anyway. I don't know why I needed this little footnote here. Because I'm ridiculous. But... yeah. it's here. done typing now.