well, there's a ghost in this room

Yesterday was weird.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I realize that talking in a movie is rude and shouldn't and usually doesn't happen ("you are terrible!!"), but... that whole outing felt completely wrong. That isn't how things would usually be. Usually we would all talk to each other. Usually we would all greet each other, and say goodbye, at the very least. Usually we would find something to laugh about, even if it was stupid and ridiculous. Usually we'd all walk at the same speed, in that line that takes up half a hallway in the mall and annoys everyone around us. Usually, we'd stay together. We'd look like a gang. We would do something ridiculous. We wouldn't walk outside immediately unless there was a ride waiting for us- we would go to BAM or Claire's, or at least consider sticking around. Seeing a movie is, granted, not the funnest group outing ever, but when has it ever been that bad? And last week at the mall wasn't as bad, but it still wasn't the same.

I expected to cry during My Sister's Keeper, and I did. But here is something I never would have seen myself doing: sitting on the wall of paint samples at Home Depot, hearing Chloe say, "I thought things were going to just go back to normal, but they didn't, and I'm not sure they're going to. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. We were so weird just then... fake friends," and watching teardrops accumulate on a tiny paper sample of Sexy Pink. We just sat there, in Home Depot, surrounded by every color in the world, and discussed the most depressing thing I can possibly think of- the possibility that our friendship is completely falling apart.

In the last three years (we've been friends a lot longer, I know, but I always count eighth grade as the year that we really started), I've been through a lot of really horrible stuff. All of us have. I can't think of anyone of the seven of us who hasn't encountered tremendous pain and drama and heartbreak even this year. But through it all, I have always been able to say that I have the best friends and the best support system possible. You have been the silver lining that was present in every situation. I've been rejected, and scared, and angry, and hurt, and lost. But as long as we've been friends, I have never felt alone. I could write every sad thing that's ever happened to me (I won't, but I could) and not one of those stories would be complete without all of you. I'm not talking about pep talks or brownies or perfect words here. I'm talking about you being there. That's all I ever needed.

I could not cope with losing y'all. I couldn't handle anything if that happened. I don't expect any huge dramatic parting-of-the-ways, but things are not like they used to be. And I just want to know why. I'm so confused. I can't think of anything that could have possibly caused all this weirdness, especially in such a short amount of time. If I was looking at just you and me- which, until yesterday, I was - then at least I know why things aren't normal. I don't exactly understand, but at least there is a reason, something concrete, that I can blame it on. But I have no idea about everything else, unless our weirdness somehow threw off the dynamic of the entire group, which does not seem likely.

Chloe and I tried for hours last night to think of a reason, a trigger, a moment when things changed. We couldn't come up with anything. We have no idea why.

All I know is that I hate it. I hate feeling like we aren't what we used to be. I hate being scared that because I don't have texting right now, none of you are going to bother keeping in touch with me. I hate sitting in my room listening to the mix tape you made me for my birthday and looking at pictures and reading notes and getting teary, like I'm some idiotic movie character who just went through a bad break-up. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares. I hate not being able to say anything because it will only start a fight and make everything a million times worse. I hate crying in Home Depot. They sell hammers and saws at Home Depot. It is not a crying place.

Have you noticed any of this? Maybe I'm overreacting- if I didn't have Chloe to back me up, I would be sure that I was overreacting- but something is wrong. If you have noticed, any suggestions on what we can do to fix it? I'm baffled.

If you haven't noticed... things are worse than I thought.

Caroline

I think I'll name it after all of you.

and when i'm done, i feel like talking

Posting mostly because there's nothing else for me to do.

Friday is taking too long.

Cantored today. Totally didn't know one of the songs at all even a little bit.

Something I hate: when you totally botch something up and it's terrible and you know that it's really bad and you're not even being you're usual self-deprecating self you just know that you suck and seventeen nice old ladies come up to you after church and put on their big fake old lady smiles and say you did such a wonderful job.

Something I love: when you totally botch something up and you're ready to go home and you feel like a big huge screw-up and like you can't do anything right and then you have to go shake hands with the alter servers and this little seven-year-old who you don't even know except that his mom taught you in sunday school and your mom taught him takes your hand and smiles and says, "You're doing great," and means it.

Maybe I'm a cynical brat and there isn't any difference but it seems like there was.

I don't want to write my term paper at all.

But I did watch Emma on Friday and it's lovely. But I hope that if by some crazy and slim chance I get Emma Mrs. Riley is feeling a little less racy than whoever directed the movie because AAAAAHHH that is NOT Victorian-England-1816 kissing. I mean, I know Mrs. Riley said "emma and mr. knightley make out onstage" but I thought she was trying to be funny/scare us. I didn't think she actually meant Mr. Knightly and Emma MAKE OUT. (ahem, three times). Gah. Actually, I hope this whoever is Emma/Mr.Knightly because I do not want to see that between anybody in Drama club. I mean, it's not actually gross when it's Gwenyth Paltrow (by the way, Grace said that you should be Emma because you look exactly like her) and Jeremy Northam (not Colin Firth. I don't know why I thought it was Colin Firth), but thinking about anyone in Drama club behaving in such a manner onstage frankly acks me out.
(also, if Kaitlin got Emma which I can kind of see happening, Zac would be very unhappy indeed).

I miss my old blog. I was looking at it yesterday- reading all of my old posts. I miss it. I miss the pretty layout that we picked at your house at three in the morning. I miss the crazy list. I miss... ack. I tried to make this one pretty yesterday also but blogger wouldn't let me and it makes me sad.

Anyway. That's all from me. This post is useless but then... so am i.

Love,
Caroline

without you here, there is less to say.

only me when I'm with you.

OH my god, you have no idea how horrible school is without you. (I guess you wouldn't, would you?). It was bad. It was awful. I kept casting depressed glances towards the perpetual empty seats where you would have been and then Danielle kept catching me and thinking I was crazy and then at lunch Chloe said something about how she was sad you weren't there and I went into this whole completely overly dramatic monologue and then Courtney came up and she only had to catch three words to be like, *knowing look* "Oh yeah, Heather isn't here."



So basically the day was dreadful. Not exclusively because you weren't there, but that was a very large factor.



Oh! But the silver lining of your absence? Mr. Noll. Reading your part. And, therefore... SINGING.



I hate writing girly poetry. (such as the absolute crap on Don't Fret. I really need someone to post so that that isn't the only thing I see whenver I go there. Because it is bad. This is not me just being my usual self-deprecating self. That poem is BAAAAAD).Why does that always happen? Why do our brains conspire against us to make us all stupid and lame and cliche and pink?

I didn't notice about the ceasing of distractions, mostly because- I don't know. I knew pretty much nothing about the distraction. I got the story from Courtney. All she told me was "He likes her she might like him it's cute". Was there anything more to it than that? The one time I witnessed anything firsthand, it didn't seem ceased. (I mean, Allison picked up on it within ten minutes, and she knew nothing about the whole thing). I would kind of like to hear about all of this from your perspective, sometime, if you wouldn't mind talking about it. I've been kind of lost and out of the loop.

On Arizona: WOW, that is a wide range of wardrobe (a bathing suit and ski-ing clothes? oh. wait. yeah, i just remembered the existence of indoor pools about three seconds ago. I apologize). Also. I really hope it's great. Or at least good. Or at least as good as it can be. I know this all must be so insane and so hard and I don't think it really seems like you had that much of a choice about going. I hope you get a cell phone and if you do I will definitely be putting minutes on mine so that I can be really annoying (as I imagine I am being now. I'm reading this post and I'm not liking me very much) and text you all the time to make sure you're fine.



To segue from worrying about you to worrying about me



I'm worried about me.

I don't think I'm doing very well in the mental health department.

Particularily in thinking about (and having suckish dreams about) people (ah, person) who I hate and don't want to think about and god forbid dream about ever. I really wish I could obliterate him from the face of the planet but just from my head would be okay too.



Also, got my reccomendation letter (because there was a letter attatched, actually) back. Mrs. Riley is my favorite person in the whole entire universe, by the way. It's so incredibly nice that even if my portfolio sucks and I bomb my interview and my essay never even materializes, they might just let me in anyway because they assumed I was having a really long series of off-days. (or, you know, launch an investigation to make sure I didn't write the thing myself).



Also, I'm going to All State tomorrow. All State Chorus, for Emilea/Anna, in case you haven't stopped reading this post after the first two paragraphs because I made no effort to include you in half (or more?) of the post. Basically I have to sing this song that I keep failing at and then sight read. For judges. I'm so nervous it's not even funny. It makes it so much worse that Mrs. Young didn't want me to go. I'll probably have a break down at some point tomorrow on the bus.



And speaking of, I need to go find my 'sunday best' (ack) outfit for the tryouts.

So



I love you

Caroline

'chilling'?

what is it? what does it mean? like, when someone says, i'm chilling, what are they doing? Are they reading? Are they watching TV? Are they listening to music? Are they doing their geometry homework and therefore thinking about geometry and, by association, thinking about Cappola's class and pondering the cold and then actually starting to go mad and feeling the cold.

this might seem random, but i was just on facebook and the word chilling was featured in no less than three people's statuses. ack. lame phrase. drives caroline crazy.

(er).

Tomorrow is the talent show.
cool. all right. cool cool. all right. cool. all-

IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.

It really isn't.

In addition to the routine forms of chorus-related torture (which is honestly bad enough), I am in a skit for drama. It's an (uber ridiculous) interpretation of Cyrano de Bougerac. An extremely loose interpretation. I'm playing Melora La Bloom, who basically sucks. I hate her. She's a celebrity. And besides being full of herself and annoying and horrible and saying sucky things, she is required to wear a floor-length prom dress in the most hideous shade of pink known to woman and covered in glitter. Also, she makes her enterance to a song from High School Musical.

And then, when I'm done, I'm sticking around to hear the bands (which are the only reason anyone who isn't forced by Mrs. Young goes to talent show) but before that I have to listen to another High School Musical song. And then one from Camp Rock.

Our completely Disney-run society sickens and alarms me. Ack.

rants over.

love and love and love
Caroline

PS:
TELL ME WHAT'S DISTRACTING YOU.
please?