well, there's a ghost in this room

Yesterday was weird.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am. I realize that talking in a movie is rude and shouldn't and usually doesn't happen ("you are terrible!!"), but... that whole outing felt completely wrong. That isn't how things would usually be. Usually we would all talk to each other. Usually we would all greet each other, and say goodbye, at the very least. Usually we would find something to laugh about, even if it was stupid and ridiculous. Usually we'd all walk at the same speed, in that line that takes up half a hallway in the mall and annoys everyone around us. Usually, we'd stay together. We'd look like a gang. We would do something ridiculous. We wouldn't walk outside immediately unless there was a ride waiting for us- we would go to BAM or Claire's, or at least consider sticking around. Seeing a movie is, granted, not the funnest group outing ever, but when has it ever been that bad? And last week at the mall wasn't as bad, but it still wasn't the same.

I expected to cry during My Sister's Keeper, and I did. But here is something I never would have seen myself doing: sitting on the wall of paint samples at Home Depot, hearing Chloe say, "I thought things were going to just go back to normal, but they didn't, and I'm not sure they're going to. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. We were so weird just then... fake friends," and watching teardrops accumulate on a tiny paper sample of Sexy Pink. We just sat there, in Home Depot, surrounded by every color in the world, and discussed the most depressing thing I can possibly think of- the possibility that our friendship is completely falling apart.

In the last three years (we've been friends a lot longer, I know, but I always count eighth grade as the year that we really started), I've been through a lot of really horrible stuff. All of us have. I can't think of anyone of the seven of us who hasn't encountered tremendous pain and drama and heartbreak even this year. But through it all, I have always been able to say that I have the best friends and the best support system possible. You have been the silver lining that was present in every situation. I've been rejected, and scared, and angry, and hurt, and lost. But as long as we've been friends, I have never felt alone. I could write every sad thing that's ever happened to me (I won't, but I could) and not one of those stories would be complete without all of you. I'm not talking about pep talks or brownies or perfect words here. I'm talking about you being there. That's all I ever needed.

I could not cope with losing y'all. I couldn't handle anything if that happened. I don't expect any huge dramatic parting-of-the-ways, but things are not like they used to be. And I just want to know why. I'm so confused. I can't think of anything that could have possibly caused all this weirdness, especially in such a short amount of time. If I was looking at just you and me- which, until yesterday, I was - then at least I know why things aren't normal. I don't exactly understand, but at least there is a reason, something concrete, that I can blame it on. But I have no idea about everything else, unless our weirdness somehow threw off the dynamic of the entire group, which does not seem likely.

Chloe and I tried for hours last night to think of a reason, a trigger, a moment when things changed. We couldn't come up with anything. We have no idea why.

All I know is that I hate it. I hate feeling like we aren't what we used to be. I hate being scared that because I don't have texting right now, none of you are going to bother keeping in touch with me. I hate sitting in my room listening to the mix tape you made me for my birthday and looking at pictures and reading notes and getting teary, like I'm some idiotic movie character who just went through a bad break-up. I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares. I hate not being able to say anything because it will only start a fight and make everything a million times worse. I hate crying in Home Depot. They sell hammers and saws at Home Depot. It is not a crying place.

Have you noticed any of this? Maybe I'm overreacting- if I didn't have Chloe to back me up, I would be sure that I was overreacting- but something is wrong. If you have noticed, any suggestions on what we can do to fix it? I'm baffled.

If you haven't noticed... things are worse than I thought.

Caroline

I think I'll name it after all of you.

and i'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes

So, you may have possibly noticed that it looks a little bit different around here.

BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT A TEMPLATE TO WORK.

Of course, I haven't tried to get a template to work in months, but I have tried now, and therefore life on the blog is at least a little bit more technicolor than before. The main reason for the change?

I need one. I feel like I'm at a standstill. It's like when I am at the beach, standing right by the water, and I sort of dig my toes into the wet sand, and then my feet get swallowed and I'm in to my ankles in sand and I can't move and I start to panic and I yank my feet out. And I trip and fall. This is a really pretentious simile/metaphor/whatever, but that does happen to me and it does feel like this. I am stuck.

And this has a lot to do with the fact that I'm not going anywhere next year, I guess.

Which I am totally being ridiculous about.

I don't want to mope around. I don't want to be sad. I don't want everyone around me to think I'm miserable, because who wants to be around a miserable person? But I don't think it's working. I've been in a bad mood for almost a month. I cried over my stolen coffee thermos yesterday. I am mean to people without trying to be. I'm a grumpy angsty emo kid, and I hate practically everyone around me half the time and I hate myself always.

So obviously, something has to change. I keep wishing that I had the kind of hair you could chop off, or the kind of money to buy a completely different wardrobe. I feel like if I look different, or if my surroundings are different, then I will have to be.

Anyway, that's the explanation for the new appearance. I wanted to paint the walls in my room, but I settled for painting these (in a more literal way than expected...).

I think I'll play around with it until I start to feel a difference.

Love you,
Caroline.

PS: have fun reuniting tomorrow, anna and emilea. i wish i could be there.